A Celebration of Life - Cecil Limburg

As mentioned in my previous post, despite some thoughts I regret I had about them a few weeks ago, our house guest at this time seems to have very loving parents. I wish to congratulate them as they are currently celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary this summer! Because I made such a big error in my last post (which I've since revised), I feel need to repeat myself a bit here, briefly as I begin this post, in hopes all readers will retain the proper and more positive story about these kind people. I hope Kevin and I can become friends with this beautiful couple as we move forward.

Without getting into their private detail a whole lot, I reflect that much like me and Kevin, this couple has been together since they were 15 years old. They married each other a bit faster than we did, but they are about the same age as we are. We seem to have lived parallel lives, now converging into the recent events where God seems to be bringing our life experiences together in what I describe as "surreal" ways. They have several beautiful children, each much like everyone else's children in that they are all unique and come with their own strengths and challenges. They are doing the best they can to love and support all of their children. In contrast, Kevin and I will be married for 21 years on September 20th of this year, and we have 3 beautiful teenagers also with their own strengths and challenges ("Beautiful Trauma?"). Parenting is not easy, but we would never ever want to give it up either! Happy Anniversary, Kevin!

This has had me reflecting...  What was happening in our life at the time this couple was getting married? I have realized that I've struggled with recalling memories from my past in recent years.  There is a time period where our friend Nick lived with us that I barely remember, as an example, but Kevin assures me it happened, and now I'm starting to remember as well, I think because I've been processing some pent-up emotions. Suppose he'll forgive my poor memory, as now he is a minister.

So, if you don't know me well, you may be wondering, what exactly was happening in our world at that time, and why am I feeling need to dig up what was happening in that summer of 1994 now?! To explain this well, I need to back up a little bit, to the story of how I met my wonderful husband Kevin. At that time, as I already mentioned, I was about 15 years old... That was the year our house guest's parents met as well, though we did not know them, and they were 15, too!

At the age of 15, I reflect now that I actually had a lot of very good "girl" friends. In some of my previous posts, I have explored possibility that I might have Asperger's, but honestly as my memories come back and my mind clears, I realize that simply is not true. I have always been a VERY social person - just for the past 25 years I have also been struggling with anxiety and depression that I think clouded my perspective in many ways, but thankfully today I feel is lifted.

Anyway, when I was 15, I had a best "boy" friend named Robert. Whenever I wasn't busy with Girl Guides, or he wasn't busy with Cadets, or we weren't in school, we were pretty much inseparable, shooting baskets, playing ping pong, etc. in nearly every spare moment. Robert's good friend Louie would also hang around with us, and in Grade 7 Robert asked me to be his girlfriend and took me to the Grade 7 prom.  I have a wonderful picture of the 3 of us together that I hope they won't mind me sharing here.  Weren't they cute?!

Our "relationship" was very short lived, because I was still very young and not ready to be serious. (By now, you know there almost always a song in my mind that relates to my thoughts: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olQNes_mq8I).  I told Robert I wanted to be "friends"... and we started to drift apart.  I'm grateful that, now that we have families of our own, we are again in touch at least via social media.  Louie is a close neighbour as well - even built the stairs in our home that lead into our basement!

I'll fast forward a bit now to about Grade 9.  You adults out there all remember Grade 9, right?!  Bare Naked Ladies is one of my favourite bands (love the show Big Bang Theory!), and this song is a great representation of that time: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLTZv2NFkLI

In Grade 9, my Dad often took me and my siblings swimming, where I enjoyed the company of my good friends Billy and Cecil, and Cecil's sister Irene, and even Robert sometimes. I recall that I loved to sew that year. I made myself a prom dress and Cecil took me to Grade 9 prom (or was it Grade 8?!).

Of course, I was still very young then, and I recall now that Cecil also wanted a much more serious relationship than I was ready for. Our "relationship" was again very short lived, as I insisted that summer that I just wanted to be friends. Cecil was a great person, and I am so very grateful that he let that happen, as now I cannot imagine what my life would have been like without him as a friend after that time.

That summer, between Grade 9 and 10, I think Cecil somehow introduced me to Jason, who also became a boyfriend and then very soon after "just a friend" longer term. Jason died a few years ago from bone cancer and I really miss him - he had a wonderful sense of humour. Cecil also introduced me to a girl that I am no longer in touch with, who became a close friend to me and became Cecil's girlfriend, but who gradually chose to stop staying in touch over the years. Our house guest right now reminds me in remarkable ways of this girl. I sometimes wonder how she is doing now, and sincerely hope she is enjoying life as she deserves to.

This brought us to Grade 10... Cecil had met Kevin, and had introduced me to him, and Kevin and I shared Grade 10 Biology class. Guess who took me to Grade 10 Prom!  (Guess I was lazy that year.. I wore the same dress again.. I loved that dress and it was a LOT of work to make it!)  Doesn't Kevin look cute here?!

Now, as time passed, our group of friends continued to grow.  Here is a picture that I'm especially fond of from that time:

My mother recently gave me a copy of a wonderful video of us all going to West Pictou prom together when I was in Grade 12. I certainly treasure this!

At this point, Kevin and I went to Acadia University, where we studied Computer Science together. Cecil had graduated a year ahead of us, and he was actually attending a different school. Eventually, after Cecil finished that program, during our 3rd year, Cecil ended up with another girlfriend who happened to go to Acadia, too. He and this girl moved in with me and Kevin, and they became engaged early in 1994. We shared a wonderful school year together, with many happy memories in the Acadia Computer Science program.

I recall from that time that Cecil LOVED the movie "Wayne's World" and the song "Bohemian Rhapsody" - he would sing and "head bang" and dance around the apartment, so full of life!  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=thyJOnasHVE  His fiance was full of life, too!

This is where our story took a very sad turn... Up to now, this blog has been about me exploring whether or not I have Asperger's Syndrome, and how my kids have been affected. I am thinking now that I do not have Asperger's Syndrome. However, I think the anxiety and depression that started for me in 1994 may have been passed on to my kids, and that could very well explain some of their symptoms of disorder. I recall now that 1994 was a time when I began to lose touch with several good friends as well.

A girl that lived next to me in dorm was a beautiful fiddler - Tara Lynne Touesnard was killed in a car accident on April 25, 1994.  I have this cassette from that time:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=beJ6T7JhYJo  This story shows a picture of her as well, two weeks before rehearsal for Summertime Review that she was intended to be part of:
http://capebretonsmagazine.com/modules/publisher/item.php?itemid=4922
If you do a Google search, you will see so many stories and videos as tribute to Tara... She was a beautiful soul and so it saddens me as I think about fact she is gone now.

I believe I talked about Tara with Cecil when this happened, shortly before he left our apartment to go back to New Glasgow to work for a week, as he often did. I have a video of my Pepe Donais dancing with a fiddle that I absolutely love. I have a pretty expensive fiddle that I bought for myself when Scott Jones was stabbed years later. I loved watching our church organist play fiddle sometimes as well - she passed away this past month and we will celebrate her life on Wednesday, September 5th. My cousin Ryan St. Dennis is an amazing fiddle player, too! Yeah - so MUCH emotion in all that, I realize now. I love the fiddle - and I WILL learn to play someday.

Most traumatic for us...  On May 7, 1994, as Cecil was heading back from New Glasgow to return to our apartment, where I, Kevin and his fiance were waiting in anticipation, we got a phone call from the police that I believe I answered. My memory here for next few days is pretty foggy. Cecil was killed by a drunk driver, and we were forced to "celebrate his life" together in the Lyon's Brook United Church that I now attend regularly and have so much gratitude for.

 

Here, I suppose I could share all the news clippings I have from when Mr. Julian went through the court system, but I think I'll spare you the details. He was a man with many challenges of his own, and I imagine now also feels great regret. Needless to say, I have experienced every stage of grief as a result of these experiences, and I am actually grateful that I have been able to grow into a successful adult despite these challenges. I have forgiven Mr. Julian and today I feel I'm in the ACCEPTANCE stage. 

I realize now as well that I've been holding a lot of "trapped emotion" in, not talking about it enough. I have started to talk about these events more with people, and each time I do it seems like more of a weight is lifted from me. I am grateful especially for the long chats I had with a therapist earlier this year and also with our church minister, among other friends.

I feel a major shift happening in me now, where I think I can stop trying to process these emotions further, stop living so much in the past, and maybe instead I can use what I've learned in my experiences to help others through similar challenges. This is why I feel my dream about Pictou County Virtues Center (which actually dates back to at least 2011) actually might start becoming a reality this year.

I've been wearing dresses all week, smiling, I haven't bitten my nails, and I'm singing all the time when I'm alone in the car! The scale seems to be saying I've lost about 5 pounds this week, even though I've been eating regularly, and having much more healthy food than I have generally in recent years. I even thought about recording myself at one point, like in the old days when I loved to sing for other people, but I chickened out https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6a8F28WVXlk and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rsXJcIODLtQ were often shared with my Oma van Veen when she visited us during the summer months of childhood ;-)

As I'm "letting go" all this emotion, I'm reflecting still more... I'm struggling to remember exactly when now, but my friend Billy died from a brain tumour sometime around this period of 1994 as well...  I tried doing a Google search to sort out exactly when - really though, the date is not what I think matters here, but that his death impacted me emotionally. I'm grateful to still be in touch with his Dad all these years later - a swimming buddy and good friend. I mentioned earlier that Jason also passed away. There have been other friends as well, like John from Sobeys, and like Susan from my Scotsburn Home and School years. As an adult, it seems we must learn to process grief frequently.

https://www.biblestudytools.com/lamentations/3-32.html

I think my only regret up to today regarding all this past history is that I could not find the strength to stand up and speak about Cecil at his memorial service back in May of 1994. I know his family and my friends understood why that was, but it still has bothered me because he deserved to have his story told. I suppose this blog entry is my way of "letting that go" I hope, as now I feel I've shared with my family and friends how I really felt about Cecil. He was a BEST friend to me and Kevin, and we miss him! His fiance has not spoken to us since that time, I suppose because the grief is all still too much, and there isn't a week that goes by that I don't think about her and hope that she is doing okay as well. I hope someday she will choose to reconnect, as I miss seeing her smile, but I can also practice acceptance here if she feels she cannot manage this. Some of our other friends from that time have remained pretty disconnected from us as well, and I hope someday they also will choose to reconnect more, as I observe some of them are gradually doing in small ways at least. I miss those teen years of fun with those friends! Truly, I had the time of my life and I owe it all to them! (Sorry, couldn't resist.)

I reflect now as well...  I am VERY blessed to be surrounded by family and friends now. These may not be the same friends I had back in 1994, who I miss dearly, but I will be forever grateful that they have been and continue to be part of our journey.  

Phew... Perhaps all that explains better why I chose to invite ALL our family and friends to a gathering at our home on September 1st, too?!  I know some of you think I've become "crazy Christine" in doing that!  LOL

Really though, on September 1st, I want to have a huge celebration of life here at the MacKenzie home. Kevin and I have shared so MUCH together in the past 30+ years, and I have still many more wonderful memories from before we met as well. I want this to be an annual event, to celebrate the people in our lives while they are still here! As a child, I LOVED to sing solo for people, and I have always loved lyrics and dancing (though my dance skills are more like "wall flower" style). I have lost sleep in this past week as I've excitedly spent time creating a HUGE playlist for the evening, with videos with lyrics that I intend to play on screen in our backyard with all my favourites that I believe many of you love as well. I am intending to build an outdoor dance area in our backyard with lights, and sincerely "I Hope You Dance" with me, just as we used to do in those school dances years ago! (If you never went to prom, now is your chance, though let's keep it semi-casual or even casual dress!)

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God bless you all!

To All of our Family and Friends - ALL are invited! (revised - see bold text!)

Thank you to all who have been supporting me and my family in the emotional state we have been in during this past week. I want to briefly let you know what's happened, to express my gratitude and also request your continued support, and then also share some other thoughts I'm having that I believe you will find of interest.

As I mentioned in my previous post, http://isitaspergerssyn.blogspot.com/2018/08/new-house-rules.html, we have a new girl living in our home. If you do not already know how I responded to this last weekend, I encourage you to please read the previous post.

The next paragraph in this post has been corrected since first post.  I made some mistakes in facts, based on what I understood, and have since learned different, so I am writing here to take responsibility for my mistake, grateful that her mother forgives me for miscommunication as I have done in a very public way.

Regarding this girl, here is a bit more detail... We are saddened by the fact that this young girl's circumstances have led her to join the epidemic of "couch surfing" teens in our community. In a previous version of this same post, I had indicated that her mother told her she could not go home. However, it turns out that's not the case. It's true that she cannot go home, but it is not her mother's fault. In fact, her mother is equally saddened by this situation, wishing the situation was not as it is. I'll not get into private detail here further, but will say that her mother is a very caring and compassionate person, and we will continue to support her daughter as she goes through her challenge. Reality is that there is a reason this girl cannot go home. As stated before, we feel we are not here to judge - that is up to God and we are trying to support this young girl who we have grown very fond of.

You can imagine this has all been very overwhelming for us. To cope, I choose to write and pray, and I am using Facebook to share each time I do this, to invite you to read and then pray because I believe there is power in group prayer. I have gradually been building a "Prayer" play list, so you can either pray in your own way or use this as a tool to support you in praying by listening as well:
https://music.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLZGPWcnDl7QWYd1NZekTqtMgZNr1y8Gx0

Another significant event is also happening in our household. As you may know, I am blessed to work as an IT professional in a globally distributed corporation known as DXC Technology. The company is sending me and about 50 other people to an event in Manila, Philippines referred to as a "Buildathon", where I am thrilled because I will get to meet some people I've worked with for over a decade and never met face-to-face, and where we are going to work on using something referred to as "Platform DXC" to improve the solutions we engineer to provide Workplace Device Services to customers globally. Strikes me that there is high probability that we can transform our world in positive ways as a result of this event, and this is leaving me very excited and energized, struggling to sleep as I have a LOT to do to prepare myself for this trek in September. It will take me 24 hours to travel just to get this event!

As you read this, I suppose you might reflect that this might be a dangerous place for me to be going. There was massive flooding in Manila in this past week: https://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-45166382 and this is a place where sometimes people are kidnapped and held for ransom as well, I have heard. I am grateful for conversation I had this past week about this, where I have managed to feel comfortable that where I am headed in the city was not impacted by the flooding and that my safety should be protected as well. Most people in the Philippines are much like I feel they are everywhere, kind and loving, and so I feel grateful that I am getting the opportunity to meet some of these people. I am now working with our company to identify a reputable charity, and will be sharing with everyone an opportunity to make cash donations to support flood victims if they choose to.

I have felt a major shift in myself in this past week as well. I was moved to sign up for a service called Gaia that I learned about in Facebook, and the first video I watched as part of this was called "E-Motion". I was pleasantly surprised to learn, after paying just 99 cents for the first month, that this service comes with option to share with non-members up to 3 times each month as well, so here is a link to the video I watched that I feel somehow was instrumental in beginning to transform me: https://give.gaia.com/cjl0botoi000j01n50lu5nm9m 

Despite fact that I am sleeping less, I think I have been releasing "trapped emotions" as described in the video in the past week. I am breathing easier and have stopped biting my nails. My weight seems to be dropping a bit, and I am eating much healthier than I had been, feeling really great in this moment as I write to you, feeling I think great clarity in every moment I experience now. No, they are not paying me to share all this! Yesterday, I bought myself four dresses as well, which is something I've wanted to do for quite a long time, but was not able to actually get done because I've not enjoyed shopping up to now. It was VERY hard for me not to buy every beautiful piece of clothing in my line of sight yesterday!

As I wrote in Facebook on August 16th, I feel like God picked me up and threw me, but now at last is catching me. What I meant by that post was that I think many of my "trapped emotions" have dated back to when our dear friend Cecil was killed by a drunk driver. His fiance and also his ex-girlfriend both have not spoken to me and my husband since that time, I think because that is how they are handling the immense grief that came with that event, and this often has made me feel very sad. We used to all be very, very close. Today, I feel desire to again try to find them and see how they are doing. Last time I tried this...  I learned Cecil's fiancee was working somewhere in PEI, but could not seem to reach her. I learned his ex-girlfriend (who remained a dear friend of mine even after the break-up) was working for Salvation Army in Halifax - she said she wanted to reconnect in person sometime, but then never called me back and we've lost touch again as she is not part of the social media world that I use so actively to connect with people.

Now, all those thoughts led me to begin to organize a special event in our community before I leave for Manila. This will be on Saturday, September 1st, and I am trying to invite ALL of our family and friends to attend: https://www.facebook.com/events/716085615428115/.

Know that I fully understand this event is being scheduled during a holiday weekend, where many already have plans and so will not be able to attend. However, I want to say that if you are able to attend then my family will express deep gratitude for this. I have visions of this being similar to parties my maternal grandparents used to host when I was a child, where we had well over 100 family members and friends come together to celebrate life. I have outlined many special activities that I would like to lead during this event, as described in the event link that I've shared. Please do use the link to learn more, and somehow let me know if you plan to attend, as I would like to be prepared with enough tables for all the food I hope will arrive. As I think of more details, I will continue to "Comment" on the picture included in the event - just please click on the picture and you will see a LOT of detail that I have shared already:
https://www.facebook.com/Christine.Marie.MacKenzie/photos/gm.716085648761445/985466334968786/?type=3&theater. I will collect donations for Manila leading up to and as part of this event, once I work out the details for the charity we can support.

If you made it this far in reading, perhaps now you will be able to understand what I write next. My faith in God is now firm. People have been reaching out to me all week long, and I am humbled by the number of views of my blog and personal stories people have been choosing to share with me. In the past week, the one post that I shared on Monday has already been viewed by 449 people as I write this. You may be able to see this statistical data using this link:
https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=5535501989687009602#postsstats.

People have been sharing with me stories regarding similar struggles and where people are telling me that I am inspiring stronger faith in them as well with my reading and actions. I feel very honoured and have been telling some people in my life that it all feels "surreal" and I feel a great deal of love for everyone involved. I believe there are "Angels Among Us" at this time: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_4Xfj2LRSA and I have felt moved to try to encourage more people to attend our local church in our community as well: https://www.facebook.com/events/2623703271189064/. There is an outdoor church service on September 2nd that I encourage ALL to attend if they can.

I truly think all actions in my past were directed by God and have led to what I feel now is a time of awe and wonder in my life that I am truly grateful for, and I want to share this "good news" with the world!

Perhaps some of you recall this picture that I shared back in February: http://isitaspergerssyn.blogspot.com/2018/02/its-not-about-me.html

I wish to use this as an example of how past actions seem to be leading me now to something more in a very intense way.

There is now a very BIG thought that I'm having. I started blogging on January 22, 2011. Through all my posts over the last several years, I have shared many "ups and downs" with those who have taken the time to read what I've written. If you have read those posts, as by viewing blog statistics I observe at least a few hundred people seem to have done, you will know that I have a passion for wanting to help people focus on and use their strengths to achieve their goals. I now especially want to help this young girl who has entered our lives, and to help other people as well, using what I have learned in my journey.

One day soon, I want to lead establishment of something I think might best be called "Pictou County Virtues Center". My vision is that this will be a safe place for people like the new girl in our home to go, to learn about virtues like I described in my previous post, and to learn the strategies for better living that I am so very grateful I learned as taught by the Virtues Project: https://virtuesproject.com/strategies.html. I want to teach other people these strategies, as I believe this could help other people as well.

With that in mind, I visited my dear friend Eva Marks MacIsaac yesterday to discuss. She made the beautiful item I have shared in the picture in this post. In her past, she was Executive Director for the global Virtues Project for a while, and she along with others in the project have taught me a lot of valuable skills that have enriched my life immensely. She may not even realize it, but she is one of very few people who I actually hug every time I meet them - something I'm learning to do more and more even with my own children. Eva now runs a business called "ZAP Inspirations", where she shares her beauty with the world. Check her out!  https://www.facebook.com/ZapInspirations/.

As a result of our conversation, Eva is suggesting that she lead an "Introduction to the Virtues Project" workshop for anyone who wishes to learn: https://virtuesproject.com/programworkshop.html. Also, she is going to host some more intensive training for me (and it will go better if others participate as well), to help me become formally certified as a Virtues Facilitator.

Following certification, I want to start to building the center as I dream will someday exist. In the center, I want to provide people with access to activities that support practicing virtues and using the strategies to help each other. I see people doing things like working together to make items that are needed by our local hospital, participating in various charitable activities, or playing with the hundreds of books, board games and toys that I've accumulated over the years, in order to build valuable social skills and connections with other people in ways they perhaps feel today is not possible. Perhaps even this will be where our son Connor finally finds many good friends! I hope this will be a place that will help people who are struggling to move forward, much like I had felt, to find a path to a better life as I feel I've done.

Do you think Pictou County Virtues Center is a good idea? If you wish to support my dream, please let me know and, after I return from Manila, we will try to find ways to get together to explore this idea further. I have MANY ideas about what we could do together to make this world a better place, both inside and outside this building, and I sincerely want to take action in this direction.

God bless everyone!

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God bless you all!

New House Rules

This has been quite a weekend!

Warning:  This is a LONG post of reflection, perhaps more for me than others. I felt compelled to write as a way of releasing some trapped emotions and to share with my family and dearest friends who are there to support and I suppose I will lean on in the days to come.

Yesterday started a lot like every other Sunday, and more and more any other day really.  Woke up and took a long, deep breathe, and convinced myself things are okay, as God intends.  Played some peaceful music, which these days translates to "As the Deer Pants for the Water" and "In the Garden", two beautiful Christian songs learned in church the previous Sunday.  Raised myself up out of bed, and truly felt calm and peaceful.  Had a shower, ate breakfast, and went to pick up one of my dear friends to go to church.  This is a true joy for me each week, so wasn't going to miss it as a result of our new circumstances.

"How was your weekend?", of course, she asked.  I shared with her about how things have changed a lot in our household, and told her things are challenging, but also good.  We have someone new living in our house now.  We will be okay though.  I believe that, and I didn't really want to burden her with negative details, so I stopped there.

God bless her though, she is good at spiritual companioning.  She knows our family has a lot going on, so I'm sure was surprised to hear we're taking responsibility now for a 4th person.  She asked me "What's happened?"

I opened up and told her that as of Friday evening our son Tom's girlfriend is living with us.  She is going through some very serious and personal challenges that I will not share here, though did share with her, and this young girl no longer feels comfortable in her home.  After much discernment, we have made the decision to let her stay in our home for a while.  She joined the serious epidemic of "couch surfing" that now sadly exists in our world.

Saturday was spent mostly talking more about the situation, trying to make sense of our new reality.  Also, I had already made the decision that I would take Connor to the SPCA to do some "social" volunteering.  We had not done that before and recently I learned you can go and pet the cats and kittens, and now I know also read to them and walk dogs when they are there.  This is supposed to be therapeutic for people with anxiety, which the folks in our home can always benefit from.

As writing here, now Connor came down with a big smile.  He looked a little anxious though, so I paused.  Asked him about his night and he told me he thought he had somehow controlled his mind to stop a nightmare.  Thinking this could be serious, I asked him if he could remember what it was about and did he want to tell me.  His first concern was about whether or not I would want to hear about it, and of course I assured him that he could tell me anything and I would be okay, which I am.  His dream was about a computer game with scenes about depression and suicide, so yes I am thinking serious!  He assured me though, "It wasn't too bad though.  You know how sometimes people talk about what it would be like if you had no bones?  It was sort of animated like that, but also sort of scary, then I woke up."  He then walked away from me with a big smile on his face, so I'm here again, enjoying some tea.

Decided to take all 4 of my "kids" to the SPCA on Saturday afternoon, and we had a good and very therapeutic time. After that, pulled some weeds in our backyard and processed this all some more, called my sister.  We had a good talk that I am grateful for, then had supper.  Finally, at this point, I got the courage to speak to this girl's mother.  Had witnessed a call between her and her daughter on Friday, so quite honestly was terrified, but I did it.  We proceeded to have a very calm and sensible conversation.  Her story is difficult and I assured her that I understand how she ended up in this moment.  Though the night before she had said "Do not come home.", she proceeded to assure me she had meant "that night".  Circumstances here are complex though.  Her daughter is not comfortable going home right now, and she is 18 so legally the mother is not required to take care of her anymore, and the daughter has decided she wants to move out.  Decision was made to allow her to temporarily live in our home, we will try to support her through this very difficult time, and we will stay in touch.

Paused here in writing, as normally my work day must start now.  Was scheduled to do an interview, but now back here writing minutes later as that is cancelled and feeling need to write this to free my mind.

After that call to her mother, I decided to go visit my parents.  While visiting there, the girl was called into the police station, as one of her family members is charging her with a legal matter, so Kevin drove her and Tom there to discuss.  After hearing both sides of this story, we have decided we are not here to judge and leaving this to the courts to decide.  She has a court date set in October.

We all returned home and talked about the living situation.  A huge pile of stuff that was in our spare room (you know, like everyone else's "junk" room? - haha) was moved out and into the vacant part of my rather large home office (still not interfering with my work).  This made me feel surprisingly calm - that was a "job" I had been putting off for a very long time.  Now I can set to work on gradually purging most of that unnecessary "junk" in the coming days and months!



Managed about 4 hours of sleep on Saturday night, then at about 2 am I was laying in my bed praying and pondering what to do.  Decided I will need to clearly communicate our house rules to this new person in our family.  Feeling rather anxious, did what I often do in such moments.  Went and sat in my office with my Virtues Reflection cards...   As I think about what I did now, it seems somewhat crazy, but honestly I felt driven by a force outside myself.  Some would say that God was guiding me in the next few hours?  I used the cards to reflect, and worked out exactly what I wanted to say to this girl and my son Tom.  This brought me to about 5 am, when I returned back to bed for a bit more sleep, then rose, spoke very briefly to our new family member to give her my virtues cards and tell her that these were part of our "house rules", left those with her, and went to church.

Now I'm back to where this post started, describing my Sunday...

As I entered the church after the conversation I am grateful to have had with my dear friend, I felt a bit shaken.  Still, I did feel some peace and felt this was a safe place, so I proceeded to go to the choir practice room as I normally do with her and where I knew I was in company of friends.  I did not share what was going on at this point.  We prepared for the service, and entered the sanctuary, and I could feel a shift that was rather unsettling.  As we started to sing, I started to cry.  Songs were of course about God's love, helping each other through challenges...  The minister shared a beautiful and captivating story about how he had not too long ago been brought into the world of cell phones and social media.  His daughter is now a minister in Toronto and, though at first they were talking a lot via the phones, now she only uses her phone on Saturdays, with recognition that phones became an addiction.  He made reference to how teens no longer "talk" to each other...  I have 4 in my house now, and this is sometimes all too true.  It's even true for me and my husband at times, as I text him from our bedroom when he is in the basement!  If you have been reading my stuff before now, you will know these thoughts hit close to home as well, as I often give myself "tech timeout" days to reduce anxiety.  The minister encouraged us all to break the habit, to "talk" to each other, and to bring back saying "God bless you" to people.  Notice I did that in my writing earlier?  We have a new organist because recently our previous passed away a few weeks ago.  He plays with enthusiasm and the energy in the sanctuary was VERY positive.  It was all sort of surreal.  By the time our visiting minister started his reflection, I completely lost control of my emotions and took a break.  Managed to come back shortly after the reflection, sang a few more songs and heard prayers that included references to people living on the street, and I cried a little bit more, then was surrounded by friends of course concerned about me.  God bless them.  The minister shared with me that he and his daughter often had "couch surfing" teens in their home as well.  This too shall pass|.

I assured everyone that I would be fine.  I was just processing and needed to work things out.  They all assured me they were there to support.  I drove my dear friend home and we talked more, she said I could visit and talk more anytime I felt need, then I took a LONG drive out to River John.  I sometimes go here when I need to reflect alone.  As teens, Kevin and I had a friend who lived there who had challenges that led her to circumstances similar to these, though different, and also our best friend Cecil's ashes were spread on a beach there.  I had a really BIG cry, pulled myself together, and went home to make lunch and talk to the kids about our previously not formally spoken yet now very formally written down "house rules".   This girl has only known us since early July.  She had barely spoken to me before this moment, but we had a wonderful conversation as I shared my conditions for living in our home.

The conversation began with me sharing that I have been involved with something called the Virtues Project, and that because I sometimes have trouble communicating face to face with people I sometimes fall back on what I learned from that experience.  The project taught me about "virtues".  Most English speaking people have heard the saying that "Patience is a virtue.", but the project taught me about how we all can focus on many, many other virtues as well - the gifts of good character that we all have within and are all capable of practicing.

I asked the kids, what do you think I think is the most important virtue?  They guessed..  Honesty?  No.  Responsibility?  No...  Those are important, but no.  I had them look at the cards a bit.  The girl shared that earlier in the day she had read some of the cards after I shared them, and she found them interesting... especially one with reference to Helen Keller (I should figure out which one that was.)...  They were not sure which I would think is most important, so I shared that for me the most important is LOVE.  Just as people state that "Jesus is love" and taught that love is most important, in this house I also feel that is most important.  My expectation is that we all work on loving each other, and strive to use our virtues 100% of the time.  Of course, no human can actually achieve that, but I expect everyone to try.

From there, felt need to explain further what that means...

Started by stating that we all learn about some virtues in Kindergarten...  (This reminds me of a great book I once read... "Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in Kindergarten".)  That is where we learn about the importance of virtues like:

• COMPASSION
• CONSIDERATION
• COOPERATION
• COURTESY
• EMPATHY
• FAIRNESS
• FRIENDLINESS
• HONESTY
• KINDNESS
• RESPECT
• THOUGHTFULNESS
• TRUTHFULNESS

They were very engaged and we talked about what this means.  I went on to share that also I think some virtues are very special - they are the ones that make life most enjoyable for all of us.  Here are some:

• AWE
• BEAUTY
• CHEERFULNESS
• HUMANITY
• JOYFULNESS
• PURITY
• REVERENCE
• THANKFULNESS
• WONDER
• ZEAL

They seemed to agree.  

As I said earlier, no one successfully uses their virtues 100% of the time, but I expect us all to try.  We all have strength virtues that we are easily able to practice, and then generally we have many others that are much harder for us to practice.  For example, one of Connor's strengths is GENTLENESS, but you will observe me pushing him to work on CLEANLINESS constantly, and one of Morgan's strengths is CREATIVITY, but you will observe me pushing her to work on ORDERLINESS.

I went on to say that I have been observing some strengths in Tom and her girlfriend in these recent days.

• CARING deeply for each other
• HELPFULNESS as our large lawn was mowed without need to ask and they moved all that stuff out of the bedroom
• INITIATIVE as she is taking steps to make her life circumstances what she wants them to be

There was some quiet reflection here.  Shared also that if we follow my #1 rule then they can benefit from and witness some of my strengths.   Was not intending to make this about me here, but just to further help them understand what virtues are about.

• CHARITY as I do a lot of volunteering
• DEVOTION to my family's well being
• ENTHUSIASM for life in general
• IDEALISM as I believe that if we all focus on practicing use of our virtues then we can together eliminate many of the problems we experience
• LOYALTY as I've been in essentially the same job since 1995
• OPENNESS as I share my experiences with anyone who wants to listen or read (Told her about this blog and that sometimes I share personal things here.  She said she totally understands, as she used to do this as well, and did not mind at all.  She seemed to say she would not even mind if I named her and told detail, but I am choosing not to do that.)
• PURPOSEFULNESS as I truly do try to encourage everyone to practice virtues whenever possible
• PRAYERFULNESS as something I've been learning to do more and more, and feel is shifting my life experiences in a positive way   (I reflect now, but did not share then...  Recently, I prayed that my husband could share in some of my CHARITY experiences to grow closer.  Now, CHARITY is being practiced in our home, and I feel like we are growing closer already.)
• SERVICE as I like to help others through life's challenges as well
• UNDERSTANDING as I shared with her mother the night before when we talked about how when raising teenagers it is often very difficult to know what is the right thing to do 
• UNITY as I ultimately want us all to experience by practicing our virtues!

Of course, there are some virtues that I am working on practicing better now myself:

• COURAGE
• DECISIVENESS
• FAITH
• FAITHFULNESS
• HOPE
• HUMILITY
• MINDFULNESS
• MODERATION
• OPTIMISM
• PEACEFULNESS
• SERENITY
• SIMPLICITY
• and last but most important TRUST - Tom did some things last year that have nothing to do with this story, but that violated our trust, and we have worked very hard to get back to a place where now I feel I can trust him again.  Without getting into personal detail, he agreed.

Now, I shared, my view is that most of the other virtues are those more difficult to practice.  These are the ones that separate children from adults.  We must generally all learn what these mean, gradually through experience, and as we learn about them we should all strive to practice them 100% of the time.  I am still learning, and I expect they will as well.  She will need to practice MANY of these to work through her challenges in her new reality.  Some examples we discussed:

• ACCEPTANCE that there are some things she will not have or cannot change
• ACCOUNTABILITY for any mistakes she has made
• ASSERTIVENESS as she advocates for support she needs
• COMMITMENT to focusing on practicing virtues
• DETACHMENT as she will find that others around her are facing challenges that do not need to concern her and that I prefer she let me worry about instead of her
• DISCERNMENT as she figures out actions she will take
• ENDURANCE as there is much work to be done to reach her goals
• EXCELLENCE as she goes to college as intended this year (we hope court does not interfere)
• FORGIVENESS perhaps toward her sister and her mother as they press charges
• GRATITUDE for all life has to offer
• INDEPENDENCE that she will work to build
• INTEGRITY by doing what she says she will do - follow the house rules
• and many more...   I'll stop here, you can imagine by reading the virtues lists online.  Here is a link to a comprehensive list if you are not familiar with possibilities here.

She agreed, this will be important.

I went on to state I have a few other rules in mind as well:

• By 11 pm, they will be in their beds, ideally with all technology OFF.  She shared she needs to play music on her phone to fall asleep, and I said that would be okay.
• They will not sleep together - they each have their own rooms in our home and belong there each night.
• They will eat in our home most of the time, as I want to see them often so that I can have peace of mind to know they are okay.
• Medications must be taken only as prescribed, and there will be no self-medication..  no alcohol, smoking or other drugs.
• The car will be available to support them with important activities, but they are expected to pay for gas for more "fun" excursions that we may agree they can also do.

We shared a bit more about each other.  We seem to be very similar in many ways.  We agreed to try to talk to each other as needed, even though we are both not great at that.  She told me that I did very well here in sharing my thoughts and expectations with her, and we all seemed to feel good about what had transpired.

They went to visit a friend nearby, and I went for nap, then weeded our front gardens.  Called my mother-in-law and filled her in...  She too will be a GREAT support through all of this, as she always is for us. Slept well - 3 kids are still sleeping now and Connor is enjoying his computer games.

Thank you for your time and attention if you made it this far!

I should get some breakfast and get to my day job now!  Will be working a part day, trying to make arrangements to travel to a Buildathon for work in September.  A story will come from that as well someday I expect - going to the Manila in the Philippines where I will meet several people face-to-face who I have been working with for YEARS and have never met!  Excited!

Tom is taking his driving test later today and may be getting his full license, too!

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God bless you all!