Blow Me a Kiss

The song in my mind today: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wy333ODi-6w

"cher-oo", it says.  Why this song?

In May of 1995, I joined a small team in Bell Northern Research.  Since that time, I've largely been with the same team - a team I'm proud to say has a history of loyal subject matter experts. Sure, some members have come and gone, but members of our small team of engineers have on average 22 years of experience each.  I’d like you to meet my work family 😊

In August of 2016, I prepared a slide giving an overview of our team's history.

Our team started in Bell Northern Research in the 80s, after AppleTalk was released for the original Macintosh in 1985.  At that time, BNR wanted to support customers in use of AppleTalk networks.

Early in the 90s, BNR wanted to add support for use of Mac desktops, so the team grew a bit, to begin recommending hardware standards and providing scripts for installation of applications onto Macs. One of these team members is still with the team today.

I joined the team in May of 1995.  By the late 90s, Nortel Networks bought BNR, and we transitioned to instead support Nortel’s PC devices.  We started recommending standards for PC devices and providing scripts for installation of Windows 95 and other software components onto PC devices.

By early 2000, we had introduced a “tier” model for hardware and software for end-user devices – a model we still reference today in some forms.  We also introduced eSupport, providing end-users with articles that could be referenced for SelfHelp and also access to scripts that could be run to SelfHeal common system issues, such as to clear browser caches or install anti-virus components.

As time continued to move forward, we introduced solutions to establish infrastructure for desktop systems management, such as for Desktop Protection policy management, Configuration Management or Remote Control of PC devices.  CSC began selling Unified Desktop Services, and our element releases of components were promoted for use in delivery of those services.  We added elements for Virtual Desktop Systems management as well, for delivery of Dynamic Desktop services.

In 2016, when I prepared the above overview, our element releases were being bundled for delivery of CSC MyWorkStyle offerings. 

In April 2017, we merged with Hewlett Package Enterprise (HPE), and we became part of a new company called "DXC Technology".  Recently, I'm proud to say our stock is worth over $100 USD per share!

Throughout our journey, I've often been astounded by the stories I hear.  Frequently, I have heard advice that a person should not stay in a job for more than 2-3 years - that true growth comes from putting yourself out there, making a change: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-many-jobs-average-person-have-his-her-lifetime-scott-marker/  Still, I reflect there is a balance in that, and sometimes you can make a positive change while staying right where you are, and that major, positive results can come from staying together as a team as well!  I often think that our team's success has been due to loyalty.  We are like a family.  Yes, sometimes we leave, and sometimes we return to each other as well.  This plays out in my volunteer life as well.

Now, why that song?  As a significant part of this history, we've had a project manager work with us.  She left us to explore other work at one point, and came back to us.  She has been loyal to our team, and now has accepted a new opportunity to move from India to Australia - a big, likely very positive move for her family!  Her name is Charu, and tomorrow she will again leave our team for a new adventure.  We will miss her, and so I say "Blow Me a Kiss", cher-oo!

Embrace Technology

Sometimes people say to me that they don't like technology.  They reject social media tools like Facebook, because they think people are becoming less social by using such tools.  People are using the tool to hide behind, to avoid actually talking face to face, and say they reject such technology.  

This is true for some - it was true for me for quite a long time, when processing some particularly painful memories.  However, as someone who works in tech, in a company now named “DXC Technology”, I feel compelled to share an alternative perspective.

Each year, after I sign off work for the holiday season, I write a letter...  It's an old fashioned type letter to all family and friends who I can recall and for whom I have an email address.  I'm not quite sure how long I've been doing this, but it's been several years.  My mother says she has copies of all the letters, so I'll have to find out from her someday.  It's become a tradition.  

My reason for doing this each year?  I am blessed with a lot of good experiences each year.  I feel great gratitude for those experiences, and I want all who have been involved in my life to sincerely know the gratitude.  Simply put, the reflection makes me feel good, and I want to share that with those I care about.

I always close the letter with a request - please reply and consider joining our family in social media - in Facebook.  I have a rule in recent years as well - the letter must fit on a single page.

My letter from this year went like this:

I've requested and received permission to share with you one of the many beatiful exchanges that occurred after this.

A few years ago, our team faced an issue with the product we were trying to support for use in remote control of computers for customer support.  We called this the "black dots" issue.  One guy we worked this issue with has moved to a new role now, but each year he still receives my letter and kindly replies all the way from India.  This year, he replied:

Something's never fail to bring smile on my face, one of which is ur annual email.
Belated Christmas wishes and advance new year wishes to you and your wonderful family.
I'm on a trip with my family- wife, parents, brother and his in-laws and my sweet li'l sister. We just spent 4 days at Pondicherry ( used to be a French colony- look it up). Beautiful places with beaches and churches and lazy paced life. Loved every bit of it and it ranks as one of the best place to celebrate Christmas.
On the way to Rameshwaram on a bus...'the pamban bridge' over the sea connects this place to mainland. I hope it turns out to be fun as well. Will definitely have a different flavor...has a lot of history attached( mythology). Mom wanted to visit it.
Then a few more places and finally celebrate 31st night in Chennai. On 1st we all fly back our bases- me and wife to Mumbai.
I shifted to Mumbai from Noida ( bomgar black dots issue birthplace) last year. Into a sales role... challenges galore but loving it and acing it ( there goes modesty out of the window...lol
Wish you all the best superstar.
Regards,

I was humbled by his words.  I simply replied:

Super star – you make me smile J  Sounds like you are having a good time.  Glad to hear it!

Now, a week later, I have received another reply:

His plans prevail...

 Happy new year Christine.
 Something happened just a few hours after I wrote this email to you earlier from the bus.
 I never reached rameshwaram. We met with an accident, our bus head on with a truck. I got flung out of the bus due to impact...with pieces of glass embedded into the entire left side of the body and right ankle broken. A few others got some injuries but by God's grace there was no casualty.
 We were taken to nearby government hospital with just enough facility to make us ready to fly the next day. We took a flight to Delhi and then got proper treatment here. I underwent a surgery, the fracture was fixed with 4 screws.
 Given the magnitude of the accident I feel lucky to have escaped with minimal injury. I should be able to walk in 3-4 months on both feet.
 8th jan is my birthday, so you can send your wishes my way ;)
 Take care and live life to the fullest every moment.
 Love and regards,

To this, my response is "Happy Birthday, Amit!"

Moments like these show me what a gift my journey actually is.  

Sometimes, I feel like my job is “heartless” and question if technology is really where I should be working.  As a teen, I wanted to be a psychologist, but then did not follow my heart for fear that I would not be able to handle talking to so many people struggling in life.  "Bad things happen to good people", I would often reflect, and I feared all I would do in such interactions was feel sad.

This holiday season, I was blessed with the opportunity to connect with many people facing "bad things".  I paid several visits to people who experienced death of a loved one, were undergoing surgery, or were stuck at home due to injury.  As sad as it was, and emotionally exhausting, it was surreal as I found myself thoroughly enjoying the social interactions that ensued.  Sometimes, I think I would love to do such "ministry" full-time, I love people so much.

What I've come to know is this.  There is always “light of the world” there.  People share their lives with me daily, through technology and from locations around the world, and would not do it if technology was not there.  Without technology, I would not know many of the approximately 200 cousins I'm told I have, and would not know how similar yet original we all are.  I would be far less connected, and it saddens me to think I could ever have missed out on such experiences.

This is why the cover page of my Facebook page has this picture from several years ago of my daughter:

To those who still feel technology is a bad thing, perhaps reflect on my experiences and reconsider?  Think about embracing technology as a blessing for us all.  It is an opportunity to see the "light of the world", and also to help those struggling with seing it.  

What better way to spend our lives?!

Another song playing in my mind :-)  "Issues": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7dqMyh4ILIg

Reborn

Woke this morning at 3 am again, totally energized.

Yesterday had been a lot of fun.  Our oldest son at age 17 played basketball.  Her hurt his leg again during first game, and several other teams backed out because of a snowstorm, but they played Kings Edgehill twice, won both games, and took home the winning banner for the Kings Edgehill Invitational tournament:

Our drive home was a bit messy, but not bad.  I played some of my favourite music - Eric Clapton, Great Big Sea, Moxy Fruvous, and quietly sang a bit.  The boys had in ear buds :-)  Most scary was when shortly after dropping off one of the boys our Rogue reported that the tank was running on empty, while I was on a dirt road in what felt like the middle of nowhere, unsure of name of the road, and unsure how far next gas station was.  For the next 5 minutes, I kept driving and praying.  Came to end of that dirt road, where a quaint OLD gas station sat.  I pumped the gas and it overflowed the tank - no sensor built in.  I went to the counter and asked to pay, and she asked me how much I owe - nothing inside told her how much to charge.  She sent another man out to look at the pump and then I paid and headed to the next boy's house.  Ride home was uneventful after that, I say with gratitude.

As I keep waking at 2 or 3 am each day, I woke today with recognition I needed to make a change in how I was behaving.  Knowing what's wrong is half the battle!

Posted on my Facebook wall:


Starting now, it's Sunday and I'm on tech timeout for 24 hours. If you need to talk, you are welcome to come visit my house and knock on my door - do it the old fashioned way. Clearly I'm addicted to technology and it's not healthy :-




Okay, it's not quite been 24 hours, but I had a great day and I feel like writing.  When I get like this, I just keep thinking about what I want to write until I've written my thoughts, so I'm writing.

Had a wonderful day.  After that post, I went back to sleep for a few hours and had a quiet morning with my husband.  Made myself bacon and eggs for breakfast.  True to my word, I walked to our church around the corner, avoiding the "tech" that comes with driving a car.  I joined the church choir.  Affirmed I am an alto, as I sat between two sopranos, but really enjoyed singing.  I'll try a different position perhaps next week.  Heard stories about Epiphany, and reflected that I have been having an epiphany myself in the past few days.  I feel like a new person, or my old self if you prefer...  My "pace of grace" seems to be restored.

As I left the church, I spoke to our minister.  Normally, I just shake his hand and move on, sometimes I've been crying my eyes out, and sometimes I've written him messages to let him know what I thought of the service or to seek his advice.  He is an excellent minister.  Today though, I felt compelled to speak to him, to let him know I really enjoyed the service and all he's done for me.  I feel like a better person today.

I walked back home.  I'm guessing it was at least minus 15 Celcius - VERY cold and bitter feeling, yet somehow it felt good anyway.

As I approached our porch, I saw all the Christmas lights I had taken down on Wednesday evening, at 9 pm in the dark.  I did that before a snow storm was forecasted, as I didn't want our blow up snowman to disappear and didn't want the lights buried.  I started packing them up, while eating a quick lunch of peanut butter toast and green tea, and next thing I knew I had also packed up all the other Christmas stuff in the house, except the tree.

Our tree is filled with ornaments that hold pictures of my kids from baby to almost current age, as well as of myself, my husband, our nephews... ornaments made by friends and family... garland "corked" by our middle son.  I couldn't bring myself to pack that up yet, so it's there for another week.

Set the dining room table with an actual tablecloth, which I do now each Sunday because it somehow makes me happy.

Picked up our daughter from her practice.  She informed me that for the next two weeks she needs to stay in character, to prepare for the school musical.  They are performing "Alice in Wonderland", so this will be an interesting two weeks.  Not quite sure what the means, but looking forward to it.  She seems happy.


We had family dinner with a very tender pork roast made by my loving husband, with mashed potatoes and green peas.  Our middle son at age 15 advised us that he was not happy about it, but eventually ate his pork and green peas.  Our daughter ate a peanut butter sandwich as usual...  Still cannot get her to eat meat or veggies, at age 13 - Ugh!

We shared our day, and discussed what we want to do for the evening.  Decided that I would watch "Silver Spoon" with our daughter, and others could join us if they wished.  Boys had other interests.  We watched two episodes - quite cute and heartwarming - I am starting to really like anime.  My husband joined us.  As I sat leaning next to him on the couch, I started to nod off, so I put myself to bed around 7:30 pm.

It's now 11 pm.  I did not actually sleep, but laid in bed in the dark silence and I feel renewed.

Somewhere in the middle of my nap, our oldest son came to me and asked if he could put the keyboard back into his room.  Our daugther hadn't been playing it lately, so I helped him move it.  This folks is truly awesome.  He hasn't played piano much this year - but he plays beautifully and my heart is now full.

With a song from this morning in my head, I decided I'd end the tech timeout, if only briefly, as I wanted to hear a song from church one more time before going to sleep.  It played in my mind all day long.  

I peaked into Facebook and saw one of my approximately 200 cousins had posted:
Let's fill Facebook with love 😍👣
The Daughter Challenge is on!
If you have a daughter in your life who helps bring balance to your world. She is beautiful in every way. She has a heart of gold. She makes you laugh but drives you crazy. She fills your rainy days with sunshine. You pray for her success & you want her to achieve all her dreams. You're thankful for & truly adore your daughter.

This is resulting in pictures of daughters being posted - beautiful.

That triggered my desire to write.

I looked briefly and did not find the exact version of the song we sang this morning.  Instead, this one of the same title - "I am the Light of the World" - popped up and it's so beautiful I feel compelled to close with it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAJP_Qcl9ME

I think this must be what people mean when they say they feel "reborn".  I feel wonderful, at peace.

Hope you enjoyed your day, too!  Goodnight moon.

You're Still the One

It's 4 am and I'm awake again... Missing my husband it would seem.  Might as well write :-)

Listening to my "Loved" playlist isn't getting me back to sleep...

Surprised no one responded to the last post.  Does that mean no one reading out there has faith anymore?  Hope not.  That would be sad!

I have realized that I have faith.  Not in a "theistic" way, but I do believe there is a higher power at work in this world.  There is something we cannot see, that connects us all together.  In my darkest moments, someone always comes along to say something to snap me out of it.  You laugh, I'll laugh.  You cry, I'll cry.  You seem sad, I'll probably cry then as well, or at least feel sad.  Show me a baby, and I'll probably show all sorts of mixed up emotion, as a baby represents hope.  This is the last day of old Christmas, I reflect.  A day when we think about the story of Jesus, where it is said he came to teach the world about love.  What a great story!

All this emotion can happen "in person", or it can happen while connecting with people on the other side of the world.  One of the reasons I love my job at DXC Technology is exactly that.  I've felt a lot of emotion in recent weeks, from all over the world.  Cool!

From my playlist:

• To my husband, I'm thinking "You're Still the One": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KNZH-emehxA
• To those who have observed me in all sorts of crazy state lately, or who know I'm struggling with some issues with kids, I'm thinking "This is my Fight Song": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8qDOGLCSFo
• To those who want to make a difference in this world, I'm thinking "Sing It Louder": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SNaInAPdXms
• To those who think I'm completely nuts and should slow down, you are probably right!  However, I still also love the song "Upside Down": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqUdI4AIDF0
• Because I have faith, I say "There are "Angels Among Us":  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WENJbSPSmqg

Want to get to know me?  Talking to me probably won't get you there...  but I love to write:
https://www.facebook.com/Christine.Marie.MacKenzie/  "Like" my page and you'll see more of my thoughts when I feel like sharing.  I will enjoy connecting with you.

I love lyrics!  That's the authentic me.  Who are you?

Keep the faith folks.  It feels wonderful when you have it, in whatever way it materializes for you.

Feeling good, so wanted to share that, but time to try to sleep again even though I'm super energized right now :-)

Faith - Why?

One of the things with my disorder is “obsessions”,  I've shared in past that one of mine is song lyrics.  I don't tend to recall who wrote the lyrics, but I remember names of songs and their lyrics very clearly.

I hear a song that “speaks” to me and then I become obsessed with learning all the words and analyzing why it speaks to me.  It gets played over and over.  Bought a “Mini Pops” CD set for my daughter lately, and it’s been on repeat as we drive.

This song called “Issues” is stuck with me this week: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Ke4480MicU&feature=youtu.be  and also “Most Girls”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBB_QOZNEdc 

As for "Issues", I’m thinking the “guy” in this song is a metaphor for either God, or perhaps one of the friends I share my experiences with.  Not sure, but I know hearing this song somehow strangely helps me.  

Feel like I'm asking myself a question a lot lately...  What is it that some people think that gives them such strong faith in God?  While that is something I've lost, I find myself going to church anyway, with thoughts that one day I'll understand all those people that I admire so much and would love to be like.  Would love to regain faith that I used to have.  If you have faith, consider using "Comment" to tell me your reason?

I suppose I feel I am one of “Most Girls”.. or at least I’m starting to think that, as I open myself up and get to know more women.  More and more, I'm learning that I'm not the only person out there with these thoughts.  There is comfort in that as well.

The human mind is a strange thing.  Smile at that J 

Also, if you are a friend reading this, know that I'm okay, though would love to stop waking EVERY day at 2 am!  

Menopause?  Mid life crisis?  Whatever...  LOL!

Share a Memory

Woke early this morning with this reflection.

Yesterday, I attended a funeral.  At the visitation for this man, and also the reception, the family had lovely cards with a request: "Share a Memory with the Family".  Somehow, I just couldn't bring myself to write at that time.  My heart was full of memories and emotion.  I feared I'd break down doing so, so I avoided the situation.

Still, those words play in my mind now, and I want to honour that request.  I have so many memories. Writing somehow rests my mind as well.

Rick came into my life when I was in Grade 6.  This was at a time when I was pretty scared.  I had just changed schools and left my best friend at that time behind, as I needed to join a new classroom of students where I did not know anyone.  My best friend before moving was a girl who played piano, and I loved going to her house to hear her play.  As I walked into the new classroom, I met Rick's oldest daughter, who would become a best friend for years to come, who also loved piano, and still plays and teaches to this day.  This made my transition easier.  Little did I know the impact this family would have on me.  Even yesterday, I was stunned into silence as I heard his life story and realized the impact was much further reaching than even I really knew.

Rick welcomed me into his home.  During any visit, he would take the time to ask you, "How are you?", and as one of his other daugther's shared yesteday, he didn't want some "small talk" answer.  He genuinely wanted to know your story.  I reflect now that, as I raised my kids here, I always felt drawn to approach his door on Halloween night.  Rick always had a story to share, and wanted to hear your story as well.  My daughter will especially remember his story last year, where he shared how proud he was of each of his children and that he had just overcome a serious infection.  Visiting Rick on Halloween was not a quick visit as at most homes.  He shared a picture of what that infection did to his forehead, too.  Rick was open and honest, authentic.  Truly loved that about him.

Rick worked for the phone company for 30 years!  As I embarked on my career in 1995, I ended up working for Bell Northern Research, which became Northern Telecom, then became Nortel..  I still work in IT now, for the same group that has grown together.  We were outsourced to CSC and this past year became DXC Technology.  I always thought the reason I gravitated in this direction was my own father's love of computer technology.  Still think that is true, but somehow though, as I heard Rick's story yesterday, I realized there was perhaps a second reason that I moved in this direction.  Rick was a kind man, and perhaps somehow I also wanted to follow in his footsteps?

Rick also had very strong faith.  During each visit, we would gather each night for supper at the "family table".  I remember fondly the stories shared over those meals, where Grace was always spoken first, and I remember the first time I had homemade rhubarb pie made by his lovely wife who has become a very good friend in Women's Institute now as well.  At that time, I had very strong faith.  I believed in God with all my heart, and would even like to talk about stories from the Bible, sometimes to the dismay of other young friends around me.  Over the years, my faith has been shaken a great deal.  I recognize though that true faith is a blessing, and it gives me comfort to know that Rick had that kind of faith.  Rick makes me want to revisit those stories, to reflect more.  I want to believe again.

Rick also shared his love of music.  As put in the service, he was a "little drummer boy".  He especially loved Jazz, which he played at times during a visit and which made my heart sing.  The service yesterday included sharing of three of Rick's favourite songs: Morning Has Broken, In Christ Alone, and Glorious Day.  During the songs, of course drums were played, and it was as if Rick had never left.  A few ministers shared their memories of Rick, and it was so fitting that one shared that even the drums played during the service were refurbished by Rick.  He was a man of service.  It was especially moving when the minister shared the definition of a saint - according to Rick's faith, a saint is anyone who truly believes in God and Heaven, as Rick did.  There were many tears shared during the service.  It was absolutely beautiful that the service closed with a lively Jazz emsemble, with "When the Saints Go Marching In" playing to close.  Everyone around me, and I, clapped, shared smiles, and loved life in that moment.

I'm still humming this now.  I can see Rick marching in.  So beautiful.  Rick's family is part of my extended family.  Rick will be dearly missed.

Lean In - My Brain Hurts

Been a while since I wrote, so I'll squeeze this in before heading to bed for some much needed rest... 

An article titled "Why We Run From Pain and How to Overcome It By Leaning In" just now really caught my attention: https://www.goalcast.com/2017/12/31/run-pain-overcome-leaning/

I'm compelled to write because, simply put, I think "leaning in" is something I am finally learning to do, and I must say it's good.

I have a dear friend who has sometimes commented to me in past, "Christine, my brain hurts." What do you do when someone you care about says something like this? For me, the words just never come. I hear words like this all too frequently, usually from people struggling with mental illness either in self or a family member. I understand this feeling. It's awful to feel helpless - not knowing anything we're able to do to help. We all feel this way sometimes, at least if we are living a normal human life where we love people. "Good grief!", I heard another friend say this week. She made me smile :-)

These days though, I suppose I have a response if someone says "my brain hurts" - "Me, too."

This is not as sad as it sounds. For me, this is growth. I've tended to hold things in a lot in past, but in this past year I've been learning to "lean in".  It's been tough - really tough. I get embarassed sometimes, as my emotions get the better of me and I end up crying in a public place - usually in church, sitting next to a kind yet unsuspecting soul. At times, I've felt some pretty intense emotions, seemingly unable to stop digging up and reflecting over and over again about some very sad things that have happened - sad things that resulted in me losing my faith, but with recognition that somehow I think some of my past faith is returning.

This has been an especially tough week. I love to get very involved in our community, but this can sometimes come with a price well worth paying. I am blessed with many, many good friends. For my friends this week though, I have felt so much sadness. There has been fire, several deaths, surgeries, a broken arm, a child who disappeared for a while and then thankfully returned, a leg injury, a friend trying to drink away his pain as he faces news that his daugther is terminally ill, great anxiety, removal from a ventilator, reflection on childhood pain, and probably more that I'm not going to work too hard to recall right now. Yeah, "my brain hurts".

Still, I also reflect that through this very challenging time I've been very blessed. I've been blessed with the gift of conversation, many hugs, smiles, shared tears. So many people around me are so exhausted now, it's rather surreal, while at the same time I am seeing so MUCH LOVE. This carried me through today. I visited the funeral home today for visitation for the father and husband of two dear friends. Tomorrow, I will attend this man's funeral. In past, I would not have been able to walk through the door of such a place without trembling and crying - bawling really - but as this holiday period wraps up there has been so much "leaning in" that instead I am feeling something very different. It's a strange emotion that I'm not used to during such a time. I feel peace - recognition that I was very blessed for having known this man, his family, and for the community I am a part of. Yes, I'm still very sad as well - my brain hurts - but this too shall pass. I bet many of you out there are feeling similar.

Encourage everyone to "lean in" and enjoy the new year!

If your "brain hurts", too, know I'm here and I care, but I'm heading to bed now for the evening :-)