Responsibility

A friend asked recently if I'd kept up the routine I wrote about in my last blog post...  No, I'm afraid not. Here's more what life is like now.

It was 6:20 am and raining outside this morning.  I was sound asleep, then I heard "Do, Do, Do, Do, Do"...  The musical ringtone on my cell phone..  I need to change that!  I do NOT need to wake up by being told DO!  Meanwhile, my husband gives a soft moan and is right back to sleep, and I'm now wide awake, for the day!

I answered the phone and heard, "Mom, I'm out mowing the lawn and got off to pick up a glove, and now it won't start."  I taught her to use our ride-on lawn mower last week.  It seemed like a good idea to teach her that life skill, and it means less work for me.  Win-win!  She was out trying to mow the field again.  Sorry neighbours!  I've now informed my daughter that she should wait until you are awake to start mowing.  Also, she now understands that mowing in the rain can wreck the belt on the mower (which I learned the hard way in the past).  I'm proud of my daughter, because I know she's trying to be helpful, though I also know she's doing it for the pay-out I offered to her if she did it today "if it was dry enough" (her selective hearing ignored that direction).

Our middle son is in the midst of learning to drive.  He has a lesson for 90 minutes, about once every few weeks.  We've been practicing almost every evening.  He likes to keep his practice sessions with me to about 20 minutes, which he says is the optimal time for learning.  He is rather annoyed that his formal lessons are 90 minutes, but resigned to accepting that now.  We have been driving to and from New Glasgow with him frequently for the past 16 years now.  Last night I suggested to him that he's ready for a bit higher speed driving, so maybe he could practice by driving me to Walmart and we could get groceries.  New Glasgow is a 20 minute drive from home, one way.  As we're going there, he looks at the clock and says it's 5:50 pm, so we should be home by 6:10 pm.  Sigh.  He now understands that he cannot do his practice trip in just 20 minutes.  Thankful that he's learned not to rage when he gets upset!  He resigns himself to fact he's now out away from his computer games for a full hour, and happy he's getting stuff to make sub sandwiches for himself later.  He does very well with the higher speed driving AND navigates his first experience with traffic lights pretty well, too!

Our oldest now works full-time in a labour job, cleaning at a lumber yard.  He works 12 hour shifts, 4 days on and 4 days off.  We rarely see him, as he's either working, sleeping, or hanging out with his friends, but his boots and dirty clothes tell you he is working hard these days, and when we do get the rare opportunity to see him he does say he likes the work, too.

It's now about 7 am and my daughter says "The cat is eating grass."  I respond, "How about pick up the broom and sweep up the grass you brought in?"  She heads into her bedroom, where supposedly she is going to clean so she can go visit her grandmother.

At this point, I'm feeling stressed out and like I want to vent, so I think about writing and the above is the result.

As for my own routine now, I tend to get up when my body wakes up, which I'm often annoyed to find is about 6 am.  I rarely have it in me to exercise like I should be doing.  I'd love to sleep in, but it seems that my age means hot flashes and waking early, so here I am.  It's now 7:45 am, my husband is heading into his home office to work, and I'm typing on my computer.  It's time for breakfast, then usually I'd jump into doing some bookkeeping, which I still enjoy, but today I have that all caught up for all of my clients!  I have the luxury today of spending the morning with nothing I "must" DO, so I'm writing and then I'm going to relax with a book and just BE for a while... My daughter wants me to read "Carry On" by Rainbow Rowell, so we'll see how that goes, or maybe I'll spend time on my 2000 piece puzzle that's been in progress since Christmas of 2018 (it's 2/3 done now).  Later today, I'll head to our church, where I've been recording services weekly, and then I'll edit the videos I record, so I can post a service video for tomorrow at about 1:30 pm in YouTube (https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCett3SueXHlnqYw3i0Fhikw) and Facebook.  I work part-time for the local convenience store now as well (https://www.facebook.com/Lyons-Brook-Rite-Stop-1419733751628355/), with a few shifts scheduled this weekend.  I am really enjoying this new job, too!

Life is busy, and life is good!

As I've mentioned in past, my friend Eva does video blogs about virtues daily:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/1837608406496868/).  Yesterday she asked, "What are your thoughts about the virtue of RESPONSIBILITY?", leaving me to ponder that for the next 24 hours...  

My closing thoughts today...  Life with teens and as a middle-aged woman does not support that previous routine, but virtues are what's good in all of us...  At least my family is practicing their virtue of responsibility!

If you enjoyed this post and would like to read more written by me in future, you are invited to go to my page in Facebook as well, to follow and "Like" the page so you will get notifications in your Facebook feed when I write posts in future.  Thanks for reading!

https://www.facebook.com/Christine.Marie.MacKenzie/

A New Normal

It's been nearly a month now since the World Health Organization declared COVID-19 a pandemic on March 11th (ref: https://www.who.int/westernpacific/emergencies/covid-19) and started telling us all to "stay home".  As I tend to write in times of stress, this seems like an appropriate time... plus I know my memory will suffer soon and I'll forget a lot, so good to write it down for posterity?

Before this "unprecedented time" began (as Prime Minister Trudeau likes to call it), I confess that like most of us I was exhausted. I was putting a LOT of kilometers on my car, driving myself to and from various offices of work many times each day, driving my kids to and from various activities and jobs, doing all the things on the "hamster wheel" that many of us did. I was involved in many, many activities as well - bridge, church, WI, and more! People would often say, "how do you do it?" and I would just shrug my shoulders.  I just did!  I'd get up and go, and didn't stop until my head hit the pillow at night.

Since March 11th, as like many of us, my need to go so fast has dramatically come to a halt. I have started a new daily routine. I wonder, has this happened to others out there as well?  Sure, I still work, and I do still need to go out sometimes, but it's quite a change!

Now my days go more like this:

* Wake around 7 am

* Pick up my phone and check email - answer anything I can easily do from bed

* Check Facebook - I love this part of my day, seeing what everyone else is sharing!  Many of my friends have new routines now, too.. I am especially enjoying the Daily Virtues Pick shared by Eva in the "100 Virtues for 100 Days" group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/1837608406496868 and some of my friends are singing, too! 
https://www.facebook.com/evammac/videos/10163155012795246
https://www.facebook.com/sacredcent/videos/10158579646010934

* It's now about 9 am  (Yes, time sure flies when you're having fun!)

* I like to do some reading..   I especially enjoyed Think and Grow Rich: This Book Could Be Worth a Million Dollars to You, and now I'm enjoying reading Longing for Home: Daily Reflections for Lent where I learned today about short film

(Appreciate having my kids home!)

* Next up is some time spent contemplating what needs to be done for "work" later in the day.  Yesterday was a bit more than usual.. I moved the contents of one of the work offices to my home! Today, I need to do some writing for that office.

* It's now about 10 am.

* Meditation has always been recommended, so I've started doing this for about 30 minutes each day..  I'm on day 11 of this: http://www.oprah.com/own/oprah-winfrey-and-deepak-chopra-launch-a-new-meditation-experience

* Now it's about 10:30 am

* Exercise time!  Treadmill for about an hour (if the work list doesn't seem too extensive)..  Netflix is great entertainment here..  I am now working my way through Season 2 of "Disenchantment", 2 episodes per workout.

* Phew, are you tired yet?

* It's now about 11:30 am, and I still haven't eaten anything yet..  which is okay, because I've been practicing the Keto diet for a while now, and that means I'm just starting to feel like I should eat :)

* Off to the kitchen for a Keto breakfast.. usually bacon and eggs, and usually I make this for my loving husband and oldest son as well (the other 2 kids won't eat these things, so they fend for themselves...)

* Next, shower and dress properly, because work needs to be done and someone long ago told me it's not healthy to stay in PJs ALL day..  tempting as it is!

* I get into my work email and take care of business... Usually this includes listening to the news, to catch up on latest ways that our government is going to help my customers.  This is quite a challenge - keeping up with all this!  I do feel optimistic that we'll come through it all though.  (For example: https://www.canada.ca/en/department-finance/economic-response-plan/wage-subsidy.html?fbclid=IwAR2NeqX4-pgrLKHoorSj1cgzjaU93WEjlm0vvnoeqmDgI8NPig0icEzFQrA and
https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/nova-scotia/nova-scotia-extends-state-of-emergency-covid-19-1.5519078)

* Around mid-afternoon, I usually have a break from work.. our oldest is an "essential worker" now and I need to drive him to work. Time to pray again that he stays safe through all this!

* Usually when I'm alone in the car I listen to my "prayer" playlist..  calming :)

* Back home to do a bit more work and get supper

* Back out later to get our son from work

* Now, at last, as we're nearing the end of another day, I get to have family time!  Typically this entails playing a game ("Forbidden Island" or "Gotcha" anyone?)

* At last, it's about 10 pm.

* Watch "The National" and go to sleep.

* REPEAT!

I've heard people are bored out there, "stuck in isolation".  Honestly, I don't understand ;-)  I may even be starting to enjoy this "new normal"...  though of course I don't want the reason for it to continue!

Are others enjoying some of their "new normal", too?

If you enjoyed this post and would like to read more written by me in future, you are invited to go to my page in Facebook as well, to follow and "Like" the page so you will get notifications in your Facebook feed when I write posts in future:

https://www.facebook.com/Christine.Marie.MacKenzie/

It finally happened!

Wow! Can you believe it's already February!

Woke up this morning with realization that again I haven't written in a while.  I need to speak in church this morning, so I figured this might be a good time to do so as I need to organize my thoughts to speak.

Many of you can imagine, life with three teenagers in the house is never boring. This week alone, we experienced the boomerang effect as our oldest because quite ill (now much better) and moved back into our home, our middle son earned his driving learner's license, and our youngest was sick again and so has a backlog of homework about citizenship to take care of that I am sure is going to raise more interesting discussions later today.  All this as I continued to enjoy running my bookkeeping business, attended an eye-opening presentation about human trafficking happened in our community, enjoyed a Dave Gunning concert, and worked on what is going to be the topic of my presentation in church this morning.

As I reflect about what to say in church, I cannot help but recall and reflect on the talk I did two years ago, where I shared some of my family's experiences with mental disorder:
http://isitaspergerssyn.blogspot.com/2018/02/audio-of-walking-together-on-coldest.html
A lot has changed in our household since then, but a lot has stayed the same as well.  As I know is true for many people in this crazy world we live in, we continue to face what seems to be daily struggles with mental disorder, and so again I was given reason last night to be very proud to be part of my church family.  You see, last night was our annual participation in the Coldest Night of the Year fundraiser.  All week long, as I observed my own teenagers going through their normal daily struggles, I just could not help but think...  What if they were going through their challenges and had no support at home to help them?!

That is why I think this fundraiser is such a worthwhile cause to support.  This event was to help Roots for Youth raise $25,000. The money raised will help them serve youth 16-24 in our community… Youth who need a place to eat, to get online, to do laundry, to grab a shower, or even just to find a sympathetic listening ear. With your support, youth will continue to be able to go to a 4-bed shelter open daily from 4:30 to 8 pm. Also, since September 2017, they also can be placed in one of 2 transition houses, so they have access to safe and affordable housing while rebuilding their lives and making use of supports available through Roots staff and programs.

For the 6th year (5 with my church family), I have participated in this fundraiser that I feel is so important here.  We call ourselves the "Coldest Night Warmest Hearts" team, and you can see in our team photo that we have fun:

We had 18 people serve as "walkers" this year, and also 66 people sponsored us so far, so overall we have 84 people to thank.  As a result of our efforts, so far we have raised $2225 toward our goal of $3000 for Roots for Youth.  While we didn't meet our goal yet, I think we can still be very proud of our accomplishment.  Overall, as a team we have raised over $15,000 for Roots for Youth in the past 6 years!

It's not too late to help either!  If you would like to help us meet our goal, you can "donate to team" here: https://secure.e2rm.com/registrant/TeamFundraisingPage.aspx?teamID=885857

Still, they say pride goes before the fall, right?  As I was leaving the event, I was handed a pin.  After all these years dealing with mental disorder, it finally happened.  I have been co-mitt-ed - I couldn't help but smile at this!

If you enjoyed this post and would like to read more written by me in future, you are invited to go to my page in Facebook as well, to follow and "Like" the page so you will get notifications in your Facebook feed when I write posts in future:

https://www.facebook.com/Christine.Marie.MacKenzie/

Thanks for reading!

Walking a Labyrinth!

Wrote this in early Fall... Was holding in case our church needed someone to fill in to do a sermon. Grateful that didn't become necessary as our minister has found recovery, so now I'm posting :-)

Last time I spoke in our church, I shared some of my reasons for participating in the Coldest Night of the Year walk. While I found that experience very rewarding, and even a boost to my confidence for a while, I also shared with many of you that I found it very challenging to prepare for, and so I honestly thought I’d never take on the challenge again to prepare a sermon. 

My dilemma was, what could I talk about, and how could I do it without rattling on for too long and getting too stressed about it?! I enjoy connecting with all of you, but my last sermon was over 3000 words, very personal, and I now realize sermons in our church are typically only about 1000 words. I promise, this one is shorter than my last one!

If you were paying attention to our bulletins this summer, you noticed a series of three talks called “Faith at Work” were held on Sunday evenings at St. John the Baptist Anglican Church in River John. What you may not have realized is that those talks were orchestrated by Monica Graham, who I think many of you recognize as a local author and friend. Monica thought it would be interesting to have people speak about how their faith helps them in their daily work, I suppose to inspire others to apply their faith further in their daily work. As the talks had a positive impact on me, and I know very few from our congregations attended, I thought I’d share a bit here today.

The first talk was on June 30th, entitled "Called by Earth and Sky". If you are following my blog, I apologize here for a bit of repetition from my “Waiting for Lightning” post. I’ll be more concise here. On this day, I reflected that part of our scripture reading was from Galatians 5: verses 22-23... where it says

"the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."

Later that same day, reading a book called “Girl Wash Your Face” by Rachel Hollis, imagine my surprise about midway into the book when I realized she had written about Fruit of the Spirit, too! I enjoyed this book quite a lot. It is a book of advice to women, where she mixes in references to scripture. Anyway, that all led up to the evening, when Rev. Marian Lucas-Jefferies spoke. She talked about how Irish people speak of "thin" places... the places where Heaven and Earth seem to touch. She went on to talk about how these places are in jeopardy, as we are in midst of a climate crisis, and shared stories of people taking action to address this crisis, appealing to us to get involved. As part of this, guess what she talked about?! Again, those same words were shared... She advised us to use the fruit of the Spirit to take action. She encouraged us to support those on the front lines who are causing disturbances and even getting arrested. After all, she reminded us, even Jesus was arrested for causing a disturbance when talking about what he believed was important! Later, people shared some ideas about how we could take action, and it struck me that one of the simplest ways we could be involved is to use our "self-control" by doing things like stopping use of disposable dishes at our events. I hope you will support me as I try to do better in this way going forward at our pancake breakfasts and candlelight dinners. (There is even one SOLD OUT tonight - Dec 6th - at Lyon's Brook Hall!)

The next talk was on July 28th. I found this one especially interesting, as it was delivered by Monica’s daughter and an old friend of mine. Born and raised in Pictou County, Rev. Maryann Skinner is now an ordained minister in the United Church of Canada and is now a federal prison chaplain in Kitchener, Ontario. She discussed her role at Grand Valley Institution for Women in a presentation entitled “Run. Stop. Restore.” She talked about restorative justice and how she works in areas with varying levels of security, from minimum to maximum. I found it especially interesting to see pictures of some minimum security prison homes that look more like cottages, where groups of 10 women share space, things like knives are available but chained to a wall, and where they can order from custom-made Avon catalogues. It was disappointing to hear about the lack of government support for the programs led by Maryann, but good to hear at least there are some success stories from her work.

That brings us to August 18th, the talk that I suppose had the longest lasting impression on me. Here, local author Sheree Fitch spoke of “Walking the Labyrinth”. If you haven’t had the pleasure of visiting Maple Murple’s Book Shoppe & Dreamery in River John yet, especially if you have young children in your life, I highly recommend this place with its sparkly floor, whimsical playhouse, and fairy tree, and also now I’ve learned a labyrinth, too! I feel honoured to have been able to hear Sheree’s very personal story, a story I’ve found myself reflecting on many times since. She has been through a lot, but somehow is still a very positive and inspiring person! Sheree began by telling us that she lived in Washington at the time of 9/11. After that horrific event, she visited a local church and discovered the meditative practice of walking a labyrinth, one way to cope amidst the tragedy. This was a new option for spiritual practice that I had not heard about before. I did not know that a labyrinth is different than a maze. In a maze, you can walk multiple paths. However, in a labyrinth, she pointed out much like in life, there is only one path you take. You generally do not know the turns the path will take when you enter, and there are many turns along the path, but ultimately there is only one way to go and a single destination that happens to be the same as where you entered. Sheree spoke of 3 Rs related to walk the path. First, you pause and “release” your thoughts about something as you enter and walk the path to the center… thoughts perhaps about a problem you wish to address or a situation you wish to deal with. You walk the path mindfully, eventually reaching the center of the labyrinth, where you are meant to pause to be “restored”. Finally, you retrace your steps along the path, to be “returned” into the world. It turns out that Sheree also experienced a very serious loss in her life recently due to mental illness. With her son’s passing, her husband Gilles Plante spent a year on his hands and knees in their property, creating a labyrinth that is now open for free use by us! Sheree now walks the labyrinth twice daily, and she shared that this has played a huge role in helping her deal with her grief. Walking the labyrinth with Sheree on that evening was a moving, profound experience. It is her wish that our community also use the labyrinth as well, and so I look forward to doing so again someday soon and encourage you to do so as well. If you go, be sure to notice her prayer flags, too, flying in the distance also in memory of her son.

I understand that Monica Graham intends to organize more “Faith At Work” talks in our community in future. Hopefully after hearing about these you will join me in supporting her in this endeavour.

If you enjoyed this post and would like to read more written by me in future, you are invited to go to my page in Facebook as well, to follow and "Like" the page so you will get notifications in your Facebook feed when I write posts in future:

https://www.facebook.com/Christine.Marie.MacKenzie/

Thanks for reading!

Waiting for Lightning?

You ever have one of these days where you feel like someone (God?) is trying to give you a message? For me, today was a day like that...

After hearing the peaceful song "Come and Find the Quiet Center" in church last weekend, I decided to find it in Spotify and then let the app recommend a next song... It turned out the next song was called "Waiting for Lighting", and became a song I played more in the coming days. "Are you waiting for lighting?", the song asks. (If you haven't heard these songs, you could try this link to have a listen: https://open.spotify.com/album/0cvVq9hEEeDXP2tNThsCe8.) I cannot help but reflect on the words of this song here tonight, as I have many times and in varying contexts throughout the week.

I'm still working my way through listening to an audio version of the Bible. To those who know me well, it perhaps would not surprise you that what I enjoy most as I do this are stories highlighting people using their virtues. I reflect about how people either used or did not use their virtues in the context of each story. The Old Testament is filled with stories where I feel virtues were NOT used! I've only fully listened to books 1-6 of 66 so far, so I still have MUCH to listen to, though of course I've heard some of the other stories, too.

This morning, as part of our church service, the scripture reading was in a later book - Galatians 5:1, 13-16a, 22-25... This one I do not recall hearing before (though likely did as a child), and I confess I "zoned out" for some of that reading, so I missed the words in 22-23. Fortunately, our minister had the sense to repeat those words during his reflection about how Canada is "glorious and free", and so I did not miss the opportunity to hear them today. He talked about how we are guided to live by the Spirit. This scripture says that "the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control." That's beautiful, I found myself reflecting this morning. Guidance once again to practice our virtues - the gifts of character.

After church, my afternoon was spent relaxing with a book. I haven't done this much lately - it's been a very busy time - and so this felt like quite a treat, to just sit around all afternoon reading! Via our local library web site earlier this week, I had downloaded "Girl, Wash Your Face" by Rachel Hollis... Imagine my surprise when, about midway into the book, I realize she has written about Fruit of the Spirit, too! I enjoyed this book quite a lot. It is a book of advice to women, where she mixes in references to scripture. I read it cover-to-cover this afternoon, and found it left me feeling rather inspired to focus on some goals I wish to achieve. I intend to start my own business and write a book, too!

Of course, my day wasn't over yet! This evening, I had the pleasure of attending a lecture entitled "Called by Earth and Sky". Rev. Marian Lucas-Jefferies began by talking about how Irish people speak of "thin" places... the places where Heaven and Earth seem to touch. She went on to talk about how these places are in jeopardy, as we are in midst of a climate crisis, and shared stories of people taking action to address this crisis, appealing to us to get involved. As part of this, guess what she talked about?! Again, those same words were shared... She advised us to use the Fruit of the Spirit to take action. She encouraged us to support those on the front lines who are causing disturbances and even getting arrested. After all, she reminded us, even Jesus was arrested for causing a disturbance when talking about what he believed was important! Later, people shared some ideas about how we could take action, and it struck me that one of the simplest, immediate ways we could take action is to use our "self-control" by doing things like stopping use of disposable dishes in our churches. 

As I drove away from there tonight, I heard that song again... "Are you waiting for lightning?", and it occurred to me... Are we? How much more do we need to hear before we start taking serious action? I think the least we can do is stop using disposable dishes in the church, so from now on folks should not be surprised that I'm a stronger supporter of that idea!

If you made it this far, perhaps you enjoyed this post and would like to read more written by me in future? If so, you are invited to go to my page in Facebook as well, to follow and "Like" the page so you will get notifications in your Facebook feed when I write posts in future:

https://www.facebook.com/Christine.Marie.MacKenzie/

Thanks for reading!

Goodbye to Grampy Ward

With heavy hearts and sincere gratitude, today we celebrate the life of Eldon Ward Salsman.

As stated in his obituary, Ward's wishes were that we not attend any funeral in his honour, but it just doesn't feel right to do nothing today, so here is what I would have said in such a setting.

Ward was born on September 3rd, 1936, in Stormont. As a young boy, Ward moved from Country Harbour to Pictou County, eventually residing on Tanner Hill Road in 1945. This remained his home until he passed away on May 16, 2019, at the Aberdeen Hospital, New Glasgow.

Ward became an electrician by trade, as he served in the Royal Canadian Navy with his brother Mel starting in 1954. His naval career took him around the world, serving on the HMCS Bonaventure “Bonny” aircraft carrier, which is now memorialized in Point Pleasant Park in Halifax. As Ward did not like being told what to do, he chose to leave the Navy after meeting his commitment of one term, and shared that he would never again choose another job that involved standing in a line or doing "shark watches" so that your comrades could get clean in the ocean. We are not 100% certain, but we think Ward is at right in this picture.

About 35 years ago, in the early '80s and while raising teenage twin daughters and separated from his wife, Ward met my mother-in-law, Doris. As Kevin and I attended high school and began dating, Ward was also courting her. As a result of this, we started to collect many wonderful memories with this man.

Ward was a very hard worker with strong work ethic. He even still worked this year, at age 82, as a safety auditor for several companies. Each Spring, including this April, Ward began preparing to plant his massive fields of beans, green peppers, potatoes, tomatoes and turnip. Later in the year, his family and friends would reap the benefits of his harvest and this brought him great joy. Highlight of our Thanksgiving or Christmas dinners was often a very big, fresh turkey that he raised, and a LOT of beans, potatoes and turnip that we looked forward to sharing together. This seems to be the earliest photo I have of one such family gathering, taken in 1991 and showing his wonderful smile.

When we married in 1997, I was honoured to have Ward serve as my father-in-law.

In 2003, as we began to raise our family, we moved back to Pictou County, and these pictures show how our tradition of family dinners together continued. Our oldest son, Tom, is shown here very young. He is now 18 and I think looks a lot like that young Navy boy shown earlier.

We purchased our current home in Lyon's Brook, and Ward began what seemed to be an endless task, using his skills as an electrician to eventually rewire our entire house. We will miss his assistance, too!

Our children will forever remember Ward as a kind and loving example of a man, who they have come to call "Grampy Ward". These pictures include Tom and Morgan, from 2004 (when Tom was still called Tommy and age 4) and 2010 (when Morgan was 6 and still loved pink). A lot has changed since then, while much also stayed the same.

In 2010, we shared a memorable fishing trip at Glenn and Helen Salter's pond.

I don't think Ward ever really stopped courting Doris. Often, when I'd come for a visit, I'd hear about the beautiful flowers Ward had brought for her, or Ward would be sitting there waiting at the table with a pleasant greeting as well. They liked to go for rides together, touring our beautiful province in what I thought of as sort of obscure, quiet places at times. 

At his daily trip for coffee at Tim Horton's in Alma, Ward enjoyed the company of many friends who we are sure are also feeling his absence today. Furthermore, Ward has many friends in Rattling Brook, Newfoundland, where he enjoyed taking a fishing trip almost annually each Fall.

Much like many in his generation, Ward wasn't too excited about computers... but with two computer geeks in his life he really didn't stand a chance of ignoring them. When I taught a community computer class in 2007, I managed to get him and Doris there, and Ward learned just enough so that each day he could visit Doris and use the computer to play Hearts.

In September of 2016, we celebrated Ward's 80th birthday together, from which I am now pleased to have this video and picture to remember him:

I think my fondest personal memory of Ward is from summer of 2017. Together, we ripped out Doris' old deck and he rebuilt the supports underneath, then he guided me as I rebuilt the rest. When it was all done, we needed to get rid of the rotten wood. Ward kept a burn pile on his property, so we loaded his truck and I went there with him to unload the mess. When we finished, he decided he wanted to show me more of his beautiful property. He proceeded to drive me down what I thought was barely a walking path. Honestly, he sort of scared me, as he drove a bit fast through the rough territory and the tree branches attacked his truck. I thought for sure we were going to get stuck out there where no one would be quite sure how to quickly find us, but eventually he stopped the truck and we got out. He proceeded to show me that what I thought was a path was actually the original highway that ran through Pictou County years ago. It crosses a brook where I remember him taking us fishing with our kids. He spoke of his fond memories of childhood, his time in the Navy, of years gone by and how much he loved his home.

Sadly, this takes me to the final chapter in Ward's time here with us. This past year has been very tough for Ward. One of his daughters was diagnosed with cancer and passed away last May, and he struggled a lot with the grief that came from that. We were just this month starting to again see some of the old Ward, when he decided it was time to start that Spring routine of his again. While splitting wood, Ward somehow managed to injure his back, and this led to him being hospitalized. Of course, Ward did not at all like being unable to get out and move around. The nurses struggled to keep him in bed, and he experienced a few falls,which led us to understand he would not be able to come home again with us. At about 11:30 am, I left Doris alone with him, telling her I'd return soon with a coffee. Just minutes after that, he quietly slipped away from us in her arms. As he liked to signal at times, "peace".

As stated as I began writing this, Ward did not want any funeral with all his family and friends in attendance, but just a very private service. In lieu of that, in celebration of Ward's life, we will be hosting an afternoon gathering for Ward's family and friends - at Lyon's Brook Hall on Saturday, May 25th, 2-4 pm.

Update after original post:We will be hosting an afternoon gathering to honour this man who meant so very much to all of us. Please feel free to bring any pictures or stories you wish to share, hugs and perhaps a card for Doris. We will have some sandwiches or sweets to share as we visit each other. We do not need everyone to bring food :-)

Confidence

Tonight, I am feeling grateful for the gift of CONFIDENCE. I haven't written in quite a while, so thought maybe I'd share a virtues reflection.
The week started with thoughts about Sunday School. The lesson tomorrow morning is intended to be about Acts 5 27-32, and so some of my time this week has been spent reflecting on and trying to prepare to speak with children about that. As I'm preparing, I like to try to work out which virtue is most strongly represented in the story we are meant to focus on. In this story, we hear how Peter and the other apostles respond when they are told they should not teach about Jesus. They were given strict orders not to speak out anymore, after Jesus himself was crucified for doing so, and yet they still chose to tell people about Jesus. I suppose these men had amazing CONFIDENCE in order to do that.

As the week marched on, next I learned about the passing of an amazing woman in our community, Jennie. As I read her story, I realized that this woman was a role model of CONFIDENCE for me. She once told me that I could become President of our local Women's Institute group, which before saying that I would never have dreamed I could do, and with her encouragement I actually went on to do that. I now teach Sunday School as well, as I have learned she once did, and there are other activities in her life story that I feel connected to as well. I will be forever grateful for her presence in my life, as she gave me CONFIDENCE that even a woman like me in a small community can make a difference in this crazy world that we live in.

Of course, my CONFIDENCE  has been shaken at times as well this week, but I think that also has led to some personal development. Stories of friends and family passing have become very common in this past year. This week alone, three friends have each lost parents, and another friend lost her brother. This has left me quiet and reflective, especially today as it's been such a dark and rainy day. I recall that, when visiting a friend at a funeral home a few years ago... I cried so much the poor soul on the receiving end probably did not want me anywhere near there. However I reflect now that, as my faith in what cannot be seen has grown in recent years, as I have watched people like Jennie approach life, I have strengthened CONFIDENCE now - I feel I can cope with whatever happens, and so no longer have a breakdown when I visit a funeral home. Tonight I visited a friend and even managed to smile in her presence in the funeral home! I truly admire her CONFIDENCE as she is receiving each visitor tonight in her time of grief.

One more example from this week before I close this post...  My daughter was an entrant in a Music Festival competition. In the traditional folk song class, my daughter sang solo and unaccompanied! That too was a great example of CONFIDENCE this week, and she did very well, too! Just now, I was reminded as well in Facebook that my son also competed in the festival six years ago and did very well. My children are growing up with a great deal of CONFIDENCE, and so I feel gratitude for this!

All this to say, I am grateful for the gift of CONFIDENCE, and hope you also feel some CONFIDENCE as you proceed into the coming week, too!

Join my Book Club?

I recently finished reading what's available so far from Louise Penny. This series was very good and kept me busy for the past year, but then I found myself left with a dilemma - I could no longer escape to White Pines! ...  What to read next?!

A friend recommended "House Rules" by Jodi Picoult, so part of January was spent immersed in listening to that. (I don't recommended borrowing the 17 CD set from the library as I did. Download an audiobook online instead and save yourself some grief in trying to get it to play!) The main character in this book is a teenage boy diagnosed with Asperger's, and it was rather neat to find I could relate to a LOT in this novel. I would recommend it to anyone who is not familiar with the traits that can lead to this diagnosis. Bit of a scary read as well though, as it is a compelling reminder that it is very important that police officers are trained to understand the challenges that can be experienced when trying to communicate with someone with Asperger's traits. If you read this, i expect you will be on the edge of your seat as you wonder if the boy murdered his Social Literacy teacher or not. I won't spoil the ending here!

Following this, I moved on to reading "A Seat at the Table" by Mark Schwartz. If you are working with technology and looking to understand Agile and DevOps more, this is a good one for leaders. Mostly in this one I've picked up on the idea that IT folks need to stop writing "requirements" and instead focus on documenting the "business outcomes" we want to achieve in order to inspire developers into action. We should not "require" that developers create specific deliverables, but instead talk about the outcomes we want to achieve and let creativity take over from there. We are moving faster and faster away from Waterfall approaches in project management, to a world where the vision is that someday we'll have developed so much automation that we'll live in a world of NoOps.. where people are no longer needed to operate things anymore. You can perhaps imagine that where I work is doing some pretty interesting things now - focused on new ways to automate our world!

Now, with all that complexity in my work life, I've found myself physically and mentally worn out at night. Time to focus on spirit then, I decided! What better way to do that than to tackle the Bible? Yikes! I have tried this before, but I generally made it only a few pages into the book of Genesis and gave up. Of course, I've read passages as directed in church and for the Sunday School curriculum, but I've never managed to read it cover to cover. Has anyone?! I suppose many have, but this book is so tedious to read, so kudos to you if you did this! 

I'm not giving up though... I discovered there are free audio book readings for the Bible, too, so I've been listening to "The Book of Genesis - NIV Audio Holy Bible - High Quality and Best Speed - Book 1" by The Two Preachers. This is still a bit tedious, but also I've found some of it quite interesting. Now I can understand how Bible study groups come to be! My takeaway so far is that Genesis is a great reminder that, while things are pretty challenging in our world now, we have certainly come a long way as well to improve. I woke up a few nights ago with my brain trying to draw a picture. Thankfully, a simple Google search turned up multiple versions of this picture, such as this one: https://www.adamandevefamilytree.com/store/products.php?product=THE-ADAM-AND-EVE-FAMILY-TREE-WALL-CHART. No wonder I was finding this tedious to read! Most of the book of Genesis is focused on words to describe this picture, where it seems men would "lie down" repeatedly with women and had many, many offspring, provided many names I've never heard before, and they lived much longer than we do now well. I'm nearly through this Book 1, happy to find as well that I've enjoyed learning a few things...  I now have renewed understanding of where Israel and Iran apparently began, and about Joseph and his "technicolour dreamcoat", and I'm interested to hear more of this famous story in the order it has been compiled. Want to join my online Bible study book club? If so, listen to this audio book and share your thoughts.

What are you reading now?

Peace

I've started to get comments that I am "too quiet" and queries about whether or not I'm okay, so figured time to at least write a quick message here to share an update.

Since my last post, I have been back to work for a while, which I think has gone pretty well. My health issues seem to be behind me for now, as I've moved into a state of healthier eating and no longer seem to be constantly fighting insomnia. Of course, the kids are continuing to grow up and assert their independence, bringing a variety of challenges, but I think my mindset is better now than it was in recent months and so generally I suppose I'm FINE (yes, as Louise Penny would describe, if you have read her books and know what that means).

By the time Christmas came along, I was very ready for another break though, as most people are at this time of year, so grateful to have a week off. I basically kicked back and did nothing for the week between Christmas Day and New Year's Eve, as I hope you had the chance to do as well, if you so desired. Most of my time was spent reading - two more Penny novels and most of "Pillars of the Earth". We had our annual games night with family and friends to "ring in" the new year, which was wonderful as always. After that, I returned to work and have been in a mode of trying to "up skill" myself related to DevOps, as the coming year will involve more and more change with that in mind. I've also done a little bit more house organizing - inspired by watching some "Tidying Up" episodes featuring Marie Kondo. I recommend these if you want a small nudge toward tidying, too! Generally, I suppose my days have been pretty low key, which I don't really see as a bad thing!

These past few weeks have also been a time of quiet reflection. 2018 was a rough year for many of us! In my own circle of family and friends, I can name at least 16 people who I had to say goodbye to. Grief seemed to be a state I was more often experiencing than not. I suppose I have been in a calm state of "acceptance" generally lately.

In conclusion, yes, I'm okay. I think quiet is just a sign that I'm feeling at peace at this time. I write a lot less when I'm doing well - I seem to experience "writer's block" unless I'm very stressed out, so I suppose folks should not be concerned when I'm writing less, though also know that I like to write and hear from people, and so will do more if I think of something to write about!

At the very least, I wish to say that I hope that each and every person reading this feels peace, too. 2019 feels like it's starting out in a more positive light than 2018. With gratitude for all of your support in the past year, may God bless you and Happy New Year!

Please Help Me

Sometime last week, some quotes by a man named Franz Kafka appeared in Facebook and one in particular caught my attention... #3 as posted here: https://tzbarry.com/2015/07/10/kafka/

Too often, I find myself writing things that I seem unable to say "in the moment" of a conversation, or reflecting after time has passed that I wish thoughts I was having then had arose in the previous moments, in a way that led me to be more positively responsive. How fitting that Kafka describes the result of such a situation as "deepest darkness"... It can be very frustrating to be a person who cannot respond "in the moment" as one desires, to be someone who needs time to process and reflect before being able to respond to other people who are trying to have a conversation, especially when you want to be helpful when someone like your kid, a family member or a friend is seeking your advice or guidance. With that in mind, I tend to prefer "conversation" in writing. Typically, I find that my "present" thoughts in a situation are pretty negative, and so I either keep quiet (which tends to be lead to comments in my direction indicating I'm too quiet) or I end up saying things I regret later (because I end up saying something negative). 

It would be wonderful to be more like the people I admire, who seem to be able to speak positively in the present moments so easily! You know who you are - please help me!

If you are reading this, chances are you are a fan of Facebook or other social media, as I have become. Perhaps you spend time daily, reading what other people are writing, and engaging in "conversation" with people by responding to various posts. With this in mind then, I wonder, have you also sat in a room with people expressing strong opinions that social media is a negative force in our world now? "I don't do Facebook. It causes too much trouble." - I have heard these well meaning people often say. If so, how do you tend to respond? I tend to have what a teacher friend recently described as "uncomfortable thoughts" when in that situation.

I don't know about you, but I tend to keep quiet as a result of those thoughts. I figure that the folks who are saying this are not really interested in hearing counter opinions on the subject, or if they are then I guess I lack the confidence to express my opinion in a way I think would be compelling. More and more, there seems to be research indicating that anxiety levels in society are growing, and many seem to think this is because of use of social media. I wish to offer a counter thought here though...  

When I am feeling particular anxious, I often turn to social media, and typically after I do that I find myself feeling better. I think my life has been greatly enriched by my interactions in social media, as I have learned there are many people who have thoughts similar to my own, and so I am left feeling less anxious as I feel less alone. It's not possible for me to go out and meet someone face-to-face all the time, and I'm not good at such conversation anyway, so I consider social media a great alterative to that. Sometimes, yes, I have also thought of it as an addiction, as the negative media would suggest, but then there are other times when I think, wow, without social media I would never have known that great person I've been interacting with! Oh, and guess what?! People have been feeling similar to me long before social media was popular...  people like Kafka. Anxiety is not a new phenomenon caused by social media - I think it's just more understood and visible now that many experience anxiety, because now more of us are talking about it.

Please don't misunderstand me... I don't think we should be on social media night and day...  that is for sure unhealthy, but honestly I feel a bit sorry for folks who swear it off completely. I think they are missing out on observing and engaging with the real human heart that we all share. The collaboration that happens via social media can be very positive and powerful!

As for the fact that my thoughts tend to me more negative "in the moment"... I'm working on changing that, and that happened long before social media was in my life. I know that I used to be a VERY positive person - so much so that I was described as "shiny happy" and people wondered why I smiled so much...  Then life happened, and it got hard to keep the smile....  I've prayed to God repeatedly about this, and I find there is a consistent theme in the information that is coming to me in these days, both via social media and via other avenues, helping me to I think get back some of my "old self" again, slowly but I hope surely. 

Today, I especially enjoyed this video: "Oprah Winfrey talks with Thich Nhat Hanh Excerpt - Powerful" https://youtu.be/NJ9UtuWfs3U. Truly folks, I think we're all similar! As the mantra states, "I suffer. I am trying my best to practice. Please help me." If you observe me saying negative thoughts, please do know that I'm working hard to try to change my behaviour through various "practices", and know it's not my desire to send those thoughts in your direction! Many of you have been supporting me in this, and for this I have deepest "gratitude" (not "darkness").

Tonight, I finished reading "The Beautiful Mystery", by Louise Penny. This book also drives home the message that as humans we are all caught between our positive and negative thoughts. With practice, we can focus on the positive more often, and "practice makes perfect", so I hear!

Share how you keep positive, especially during face-to-face conversation. I'm interested in more ways to "practice" doing that!

The "present moments" are getting easier to manage every day. Looking forward to heading "back to work" on November 13th!

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If life makes you a "basket case"...

I'm sleeping a LOT, and today is also a rest day for my Piyo program, so thought I'd use what's recently been my daily workout time to share what I experienced yesterday, as I do have many wonderful family and friends reaching out and wondering how I'm doing...

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you already know that the winds of life have been blowing lots of waves in my direction (https://isitaspergerssyn.blogspot.com/2018/09/riding-waves-of-life.html). Recognizing this, I booked myself a week of vacation last week, with goal of just relaxing and cleaning up my office room, where a family situation meant I suddenly needed to dump a bunch of clutter back in August (https://isitaspergerssyn.blogspot.com/2018/08/new-house-rules.html) that has been weighing on my mind since.

As I've been inclined to say lately, it seems God had other plans last week.

Someone wise, years ago, once said to me that we all live "many lives" at once. We live our work life, family life, volunteer life, church life, etc. Sometimes, it can feel like we are living too many lives at once, though we love all of our lives. Those words could not have been more true last week. The biggest wave in my "family life" crested last week, and so this week I've been on medical leave under doctor's orders to rest so I can get my blood pressure back in check. Not easy for someone with "many lives" in progress to do!

Still, I have managed to do a lot of resting. My goals of last week were not really met. That is quite evident by the state of my office room and dining room table.

 

I started to make progress last week in clearing clutter, by giving away a boxspring that was sucking up lots of space, and by taking bags and boxes of paper stuff from the pile and making portfolios for each of my kids. Portfolios are binders displaying achievement certificates earned, as might be helpful toward getting jobs someday. Proud to say my kids have a LOT of these! I threw away two full garbage bags of paper last week as well though, and now have largely been stalled all this week in trying to finish clearing the paper piles on the table and then moving to sort the rest of the boxes. At least now each of my kids has a portfolio started, covering about the last 10 of 18 years, so that's a start!

If you are a new parent, hear me on this..  Do NOT pile your kids papers in bags and boxes. Deal with them AS THEY COME IN, so you do not end up with this mess to clean later! You're welcome :-)

I managed to clear the table enough yesterday to give space for a visitor. I enjoyed my first "pastoral visit" in my home. I am grateful for this, as we "talked out" various things that have been bothering me for a while. Being the kind person he is, my minister has offered this many times, but I've always felt sort of odd about taking him up on his offer. Stepped out of my comfort zone here, and finally "let him in" to talk. Again the life lesson of "stepping out of your comfort zone" bringing benefits comes up! The "old ways" of going to your minister for support really do make sense :-) Up to now, I had being doing quite a lot of this with my minister via email, and I thank him for that, but that was getting exhausting for both of us (though he never complained). I think this different approach will be better going forward!

More good news is that, after a wave crests, the wave also tends to crash down and subside completely. That is where we are now. The wave from my "family life" has crashed, and so I'm able to rest and eventually will meet that goal of cleaning my office space and returning to my "work life" as I had intended to last week. I'm optimistic that I will be ready by next Monday, after another week of rest, that I will go back to work and then also get the house in order again. (Better if I can do that in reverse order, but I think I'd need more time off for that.)

It's often said that a good way to address mental health issues is through art, so I decided to go to our monthly Women's Institute meeting last night. The activity was much more difficult than I expected, but now I have great appreciation for what people used to go through to prepare to gather food - and still do go through in some parts of the world - glad I don't live there! Much like everything else in life that is challenging though, if you persevere, it may turn out a little "rough around the edges", but there is usually something good at the end, too!

If life makes you a "basket case", try making a basket!

(No, Nollie, you will not fit inside this one.)

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Courage?

On Friday, I made a big decision, or rather I would like to think God made it for me. A friend responded by saying I have courage, but there was no courage in those moments, unless you count fact I did not run out the door.

I went for a check-up and ended up in one of my "out of control" crying states. She prescribed medical leave from work, and I decided to "take the prescription"... Likely should have done so long before now.

This post just came up that I relate very well to:
https://www.goalcast.com/2018/01/16/power-reframing-use-depression-improve-life/

I am diagnosed, not with depression, but with anxiety disorder.

Definitely "a part of me" and, since so many around the world know (had a few cries in Manila, too), I have decided no point hiding it. As I started out saying, I  probably would have kept hiding, but God had other ideas I guess, as I have lost count of the number of times I have ended up crying in public <3

Now on medical leave, I am doing a lot of "reframing" ... Helps to know I am not the only person of the nearly 7.7 billion out there going through this. Deeply saddens me that this year alone I have known two people who could not cope and ended their lives over this. I will not become part of that statistic, and it is my deepest hope no one else will either!

At time of sharing his thoughts in "The Book of Joy" a few years ago, the Dalai Lama talked a lot about us being part of 6 billion people suffering in this world... This world really is growing very quickly, and the more I talk to people the more I realize what I am going through is common!

"Tough titmouse!" was the line on "The Good Doctor" last night. Trying to have a sense of humour about this!

"We all bleed the same. We're more beautiful when we come together." also comes to mind. https://www.goalcast.com/2018/01/16/power-reframing-use-depression-improve-life/

Let's "end the stigma" now. Keep talking.

"Make Me a Channel of Your Peace" https://g.co/kgs/VVYoEB

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Riding the Waves of Life

It is 2 am on Sunday morning, September 23, 2018, and I am sitting in the Halifax airport at the end of a two week trip to Manila, Philippines, grateful that I attended a DXC Technology Buildathon. In Manila, it is about 1 pm on Sunday, so I am strangely awake as I wait for the bus to arrive to take me home. Seems like a good time to write!

On August 28th, I shared in Facebook that I had spent some time in the wee hours of the morning scribbling notes with some ideas for a blog post. I didn't expect it would take me so long to actually write this post. Time sure has gone fast since then!

I've dug out those scribbles and had a good chuckle just now with myself, because the notes I scribbled on August 28th are actually indecipherable now... They are destined for the recycle bin. However, the key point from that morning is still clear in my mind. I had reflected about something I had heard various times in my past, but that really I had not fully grasped until that moment on August 28th, and I think that realization has led me to a much better mental state, so wish to share in case this helps someone else as well.

The key reflection was that thoughts seem to lead to actions, and those actions put me in a state where my emotions are stronger and more difficult to regulate, but if I work through those actions then that seems to lead to new beliefs where my emotional state becomes more controlled and positive again. With each thought in life, I think a "wave" of emotion seems to occur, and so the key to life seems to be to "ride the waves" that come with thoughts. Ultimately, after thoughts occur, through taking actions with focus on practicing virtues, by practicing patience, persistence, and love, to name a few of those virtues, even the strongest states of negative emotion eventually seem to settle down, leading to new states of being that tend to be quite wonderful, where my beliefs are much more positive. When many such thoughts all occur at once, life can feel like there are too many waves to cope, but it's important to remember that even the stormiest moments in the ocean eventually are followed by times when the waves settle down and there is calm again.

Sadly, I reflect that not everyone is able to "ride those waves"... All too often, people reach states where they cannot cope with the crests of too many waves at once, and so instead of having their thoughts lead to actions that eventually lead to new and positive beliefs, those people end up in a state where their beliefs include the idea that life is not worth living anymore. Too often, this happens with people we know and love, and we do not even know it's happening until it's too late. In fact, this happened to an extended family member just a few short weeks ago, as I was leaving to attend Buildathon, and so I have been reflecting on this quite a lot in the past few weeks. Whenever such events happen, I sadly also think of famous people that I admired, like Robin Williams or Whitney Houston, or the boy my son's age who took his life earlier this year, who clearly struggled to "ride the waves" as well. 

Perhaps you have felt like this, too? In early August, it scares me now a bit to think I was close to this state myself. Since then, I feel grateful that the actions that occurred led me to a better state of belief though, where my faith has grown and my outlook on life has improved greatly. Conversations have led me to realize as well, life often makes people feel that way... Often, as humans we are put into situations where those waves of life can put us into negative states of belief, and when many such waves occur simultaneously it can be very difficult to cope. On the other hand, those waves of life can lead to some pretty amazing outcomes as well!

To illustrate, now I'll share some of the "waves" of thoughts, actions and new beliefs from Buildathon. As I tell this story, perhaps you can visualize all the waves that happened at once, and just how "rocky" the experience became.  

In early August, I received a message indicating I should get ready to attend Buildathon. At that time, I knew little about what a Buildathon was, so I confess I had a belief that sending me to participate in one with such short notice was not going to be worthwhile. Still, I try to approach life with thoughts that my boss perhaps knows better than I do, and so I chose to take actions to try to achieve positive results even when my beliefs were not aligned in that direction. Even though I was not really clear about what we were going to do at the event, I took actions to get ready to go by doing things like booking flights and hotel and getting vaccinations, and participated in meetings where I did my best to understand what I was meant to do at the event. I had thoughts that if I took actions to get ready as requested, then ultimately something good would come from the experience. I really had little idea about what I was getting myself into!  

As I experienced this "getting ready" wave, I was home, so there were personal waves happening as well... This was when I had the thought that I wanted to have some fun, so I took actions to organize and host a family and friends potluck, and that led to belief that indeed we did have some fun. This was when I had the thought that I would help a girl by taking action to allow her to live with us for a while to get back on her feet, and that led to belief that indeed she did get back on her feet as now she is living on her own. This was when I had thought that I would try publicly praying for a cousin who is seriously ill, in hopes this would help him, and I believe now he is doing a bit better as a result of that action. Even before the trip to Buildathon, it seemed like there were "many waves to ride", to point I had serious insomnia before even leaving for the event, so it was hard to believe back then that the event would turn out in the positive way it actually did.

I reflect now that we experienced many waves at Buildathon as well. The event brought together several small teams of people, all kicked off with thoughts about what should be achieved by each team. Each team was expected to learn about Platform DXC and then apply what we learned to achieve some results. Without really understanding Platform DXC, we were directed by architects that we should try to apply what we would learn in order to improve our way of working and develop new solutions that they designed to support DXC Workplace Device Services offering delivery. Belief when we began was that we probably could not achieve much in just two weeks. What I reflect now is really cool is that ultimately the waves at Buildathon became full of turmoil, but also we developed a LOT of new automation by leveraging what Platform DXC has to offer. This automation is getting us started on a path where we can develop, test and deliver our solutions much faster than before, and this automation is also going to transform the end-user experience with our offering in amazing ways as well. Ultimately, the waves have settled down and our beliefs have changed. At the end of this experience, everyone expressed strong feelings of gratitude, despite the intensely "rocky seas" we experienced in the middle of the event! During this event, some people even experienced what I would describe as "near death" experiences... two people were hospitalized and we feared for their lives, and we all got quite worried for a while as a "super typhoon" was in the forecast and eventually passed us by. What is awesome look back is that we all "rode the waves" together, and the results led to belief that we really are "thriving on change" in DXC Technology (as our CEO often says). I believe the changes we are making now at work as we apply what we learned at Buildathon are going to make a dramatic, positive difference in the world as we go forward, and that is very exciting! New waves will continue to form, and eventually those too will calm down.

Hope you are able to "ride the waves" of life, too! When you feel like you may not be able to, please know that you are not alone, and consider reflecting on this story, as I sincerely hope this will help you get to the calm at the end of each storm!

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God bless you all!

A Celebration of Life - Cecil Limburg

As mentioned in my previous post, despite some thoughts I regret I had about them a few weeks ago, our house guest at this time seems to have very loving parents. I wish to congratulate them as they are currently celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary this summer! Because I made such a big error in my last post (which I've since revised), I feel need to repeat myself a bit here, briefly as I begin this post, in hopes all readers will retain the proper and more positive story about these kind people. I hope Kevin and I can become friends with this beautiful couple as we move forward.

Without getting into their private detail a whole lot, I reflect that much like me and Kevin, this couple has been together since they were 15 years old. They married each other a bit faster than we did, but they are about the same age as we are. We seem to have lived parallel lives, now converging into the recent events where God seems to be bringing our life experiences together in what I describe as "surreal" ways. They have several beautiful children, each much like everyone else's children in that they are all unique and come with their own strengths and challenges. They are doing the best they can to love and support all of their children. In contrast, Kevin and I will be married for 21 years on September 20th of this year, and we have 3 beautiful teenagers also with their own strengths and challenges ("Beautiful Trauma?"). Parenting is not easy, but we would never ever want to give it up either! Happy Anniversary, Kevin!

This has had me reflecting...  What was happening in our life at the time this couple was getting married? I have realized that I've struggled with recalling memories from my past in recent years.  There is a time period where our friend Nick lived with us that I barely remember, as an example, but Kevin assures me it happened, and now I'm starting to remember as well, I think because I've been processing some pent-up emotions. Suppose he'll forgive my poor memory, as now he is a minister.

So, if you don't know me well, you may be wondering, what exactly was happening in our world at that time, and why am I feeling need to dig up what was happening in that summer of 1994 now?! To explain this well, I need to back up a little bit, to the story of how I met my wonderful husband Kevin. At that time, as I already mentioned, I was about 15 years old... That was the year our house guest's parents met as well, though we did not know them, and they were 15, too!

At the age of 15, I reflect now that I actually had a lot of very good "girl" friends. In some of my previous posts, I have explored possibility that I might have Asperger's, but honestly as my memories come back and my mind clears, I realize that simply is not true. I have always been a VERY social person - just for the past 25 years I have also been struggling with anxiety and depression that I think clouded my perspective in many ways, but thankfully today I feel is lifted.

Anyway, when I was 15, I had a best "boy" friend named Robert. Whenever I wasn't busy with Girl Guides, or he wasn't busy with Cadets, or we weren't in school, we were pretty much inseparable, shooting baskets, playing ping pong, etc. in nearly every spare moment. Robert's good friend Louie would also hang around with us, and in Grade 7 Robert asked me to be his girlfriend and took me to the Grade 7 prom.  I have a wonderful picture of the 3 of us together that I hope they won't mind me sharing here.  Weren't they cute?!

Our "relationship" was very short lived, because I was still very young and not ready to be serious. (By now, you know there almost always a song in my mind that relates to my thoughts: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=olQNes_mq8I).  I told Robert I wanted to be "friends"... and we started to drift apart.  I'm grateful that, now that we have families of our own, we are again in touch at least via social media.  Louie is a close neighbour as well - even built the stairs in our home that lead into our basement!

I'll fast forward a bit now to about Grade 9.  You adults out there all remember Grade 9, right?!  Bare Naked Ladies is one of my favourite bands (love the show Big Bang Theory!), and this song is a great representation of that time: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLTZv2NFkLI

In Grade 9, my Dad often took me and my siblings swimming, where I enjoyed the company of my good friends Billy and Cecil, and Cecil's sister Irene, and even Robert sometimes. I recall that I loved to sew that year. I made myself a prom dress and Cecil took me to Grade 9 prom (or was it Grade 8?!).

Of course, I was still very young then, and I recall now that Cecil also wanted a much more serious relationship than I was ready for. Our "relationship" was again very short lived, as I insisted that summer that I just wanted to be friends. Cecil was a great person, and I am so very grateful that he let that happen, as now I cannot imagine what my life would have been like without him as a friend after that time.

That summer, between Grade 9 and 10, I think Cecil somehow introduced me to Jason, who also became a boyfriend and then very soon after "just a friend" longer term. Jason died a few years ago from bone cancer and I really miss him - he had a wonderful sense of humour. Cecil also introduced me to a girl that I am no longer in touch with, who became a close friend to me and became Cecil's girlfriend, but who gradually chose to stop staying in touch over the years. Our house guest right now reminds me in remarkable ways of this girl. I sometimes wonder how she is doing now, and sincerely hope she is enjoying life as she deserves to.

This brought us to Grade 10... Cecil had met Kevin, and had introduced me to him, and Kevin and I shared Grade 10 Biology class. Guess who took me to Grade 10 Prom!  (Guess I was lazy that year.. I wore the same dress again.. I loved that dress and it was a LOT of work to make it!)  Doesn't Kevin look cute here?!

Now, as time passed, our group of friends continued to grow.  Here is a picture that I'm especially fond of from that time:

My mother recently gave me a copy of a wonderful video of us all going to West Pictou prom together when I was in Grade 12. I certainly treasure this!

At this point, Kevin and I went to Acadia University, where we studied Computer Science together. Cecil had graduated a year ahead of us, and he was actually attending a different school. Eventually, after Cecil finished that program, during our 3rd year, Cecil ended up with another girlfriend who happened to go to Acadia, too. He and this girl moved in with me and Kevin, and they became engaged early in 1994. We shared a wonderful school year together, with many happy memories in the Acadia Computer Science program.

I recall from that time that Cecil LOVED the movie "Wayne's World" and the song "Bohemian Rhapsody" - he would sing and "head bang" and dance around the apartment, so full of life!  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=thyJOnasHVE  His fiance was full of life, too!

This is where our story took a very sad turn... Up to now, this blog has been about me exploring whether or not I have Asperger's Syndrome, and how my kids have been affected. I am thinking now that I do not have Asperger's Syndrome. However, I think the anxiety and depression that started for me in 1994 may have been passed on to my kids, and that could very well explain some of their symptoms of disorder. I recall now that 1994 was a time when I began to lose touch with several good friends as well.

A girl that lived next to me in dorm was a beautiful fiddler - Tara Lynne Touesnard was killed in a car accident on April 25, 1994.  I have this cassette from that time:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=beJ6T7JhYJo  This story shows a picture of her as well, two weeks before rehearsal for Summertime Review that she was intended to be part of:
http://capebretonsmagazine.com/modules/publisher/item.php?itemid=4922
If you do a Google search, you will see so many stories and videos as tribute to Tara... She was a beautiful soul and so it saddens me as I think about fact she is gone now.

I believe I talked about Tara with Cecil when this happened, shortly before he left our apartment to go back to New Glasgow to work for a week, as he often did. I have a video of my Pepe Donais dancing with a fiddle that I absolutely love. I have a pretty expensive fiddle that I bought for myself when Scott Jones was stabbed years later. I loved watching our church organist play fiddle sometimes as well - she passed away this past month and we will celebrate her life on Wednesday, September 5th. My cousin Ryan St. Dennis is an amazing fiddle player, too! Yeah - so MUCH emotion in all that, I realize now. I love the fiddle - and I WILL learn to play someday.

Most traumatic for us...  On May 7, 1994, as Cecil was heading back from New Glasgow to return to our apartment, where I, Kevin and his fiance were waiting in anticipation, we got a phone call from the police that I believe I answered. My memory here for next few days is pretty foggy. Cecil was killed by a drunk driver, and we were forced to "celebrate his life" together in the Lyon's Brook United Church that I now attend regularly and have so much gratitude for.

 

Here, I suppose I could share all the news clippings I have from when Mr. Julian went through the court system, but I think I'll spare you the details. He was a man with many challenges of his own, and I imagine now also feels great regret. Needless to say, I have experienced every stage of grief as a result of these experiences, and I am actually grateful that I have been able to grow into a successful adult despite these challenges. I have forgiven Mr. Julian and today I feel I'm in the ACCEPTANCE stage. 

I realize now as well that I've been holding a lot of "trapped emotion" in, not talking about it enough. I have started to talk about these events more with people, and each time I do it seems like more of a weight is lifted from me. I am grateful especially for the long chats I had with a therapist earlier this year and also with our church minister, among other friends.

I feel a major shift happening in me now, where I think I can stop trying to process these emotions further, stop living so much in the past, and maybe instead I can use what I've learned in my experiences to help others through similar challenges. This is why I feel my dream about Pictou County Virtues Center (which actually dates back to at least 2011) actually might start becoming a reality this year.

I've been wearing dresses all week, smiling, I haven't bitten my nails, and I'm singing all the time when I'm alone in the car! The scale seems to be saying I've lost about 5 pounds this week, even though I've been eating regularly, and having much more healthy food than I have generally in recent years. I even thought about recording myself at one point, like in the old days when I loved to sing for other people, but I chickened out https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6a8F28WVXlk and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rsXJcIODLtQ were often shared with my Oma van Veen when she visited us during the summer months of childhood ;-)

As I'm "letting go" all this emotion, I'm reflecting still more... I'm struggling to remember exactly when now, but my friend Billy died from a brain tumour sometime around this period of 1994 as well...  I tried doing a Google search to sort out exactly when - really though, the date is not what I think matters here, but that his death impacted me emotionally. I'm grateful to still be in touch with his Dad all these years later - a swimming buddy and good friend. I mentioned earlier that Jason also passed away. There have been other friends as well, like John from Sobeys, and like Susan from my Scotsburn Home and School years. As an adult, it seems we must learn to process grief frequently.

https://www.biblestudytools.com/lamentations/3-32.html

I think my only regret up to today regarding all this past history is that I could not find the strength to stand up and speak about Cecil at his memorial service back in May of 1994. I know his family and my friends understood why that was, but it still has bothered me because he deserved to have his story told. I suppose this blog entry is my way of "letting that go" I hope, as now I feel I've shared with my family and friends how I really felt about Cecil. He was a BEST friend to me and Kevin, and we miss him! His fiance has not spoken to us since that time, I suppose because the grief is all still too much, and there isn't a week that goes by that I don't think about her and hope that she is doing okay as well. I hope someday she will choose to reconnect, as I miss seeing her smile, but I can also practice acceptance here if she feels she cannot manage this. Some of our other friends from that time have remained pretty disconnected from us as well, and I hope someday they also will choose to reconnect more, as I observe some of them are gradually doing in small ways at least. I miss those teen years of fun with those friends! Truly, I had the time of my life and I owe it all to them! (Sorry, couldn't resist.)

I reflect now as well...  I am VERY blessed to be surrounded by family and friends now. These may not be the same friends I had back in 1994, who I miss dearly, but I will be forever grateful that they have been and continue to be part of our journey.  

Phew... Perhaps all that explains better why I chose to invite ALL our family and friends to a gathering at our home on September 1st, too?!  I know some of you think I've become "crazy Christine" in doing that!  LOL

Really though, on September 1st, I want to have a huge celebration of life here at the MacKenzie home. Kevin and I have shared so MUCH together in the past 30+ years, and I have still many more wonderful memories from before we met as well. I want this to be an annual event, to celebrate the people in our lives while they are still here! As a child, I LOVED to sing solo for people, and I have always loved lyrics and dancing (though my dance skills are more like "wall flower" style). I have lost sleep in this past week as I've excitedly spent time creating a HUGE playlist for the evening, with videos with lyrics that I intend to play on screen in our backyard with all my favourites that I believe many of you love as well. I am intending to build an outdoor dance area in our backyard with lights, and sincerely "I Hope You Dance" with me, just as we used to do in those school dances years ago! (If you never went to prom, now is your chance, though let's keep it semi-casual or even casual dress!)

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God bless you all!